Attack of the Clones A Parody
by Super Tinfoil Man Part 2
Summary: Attack of the Clones - A Parody. Explosions, partial nudity and partial explosions are dotted along a bloody line of bad acting and stolen lines in this almost exciting version of Episode 2.Now with LESS SALT ! Chapter 17 - This party is Over -
1. The start of something

**Star Wars- Episode 2 - Attack of the Clones - The Parody - **

**_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________**

Author - Super_Tinfoil_Man_Part2

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Disclaimer - I do not own Attack of the Clones or Star Wars

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Contains crude language -

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 1 - Explosions -

**STAR WARS **

**EPISODE 2 **

**The Attack of the Clones**

**There is unrest in the GALACTIC SENATE. Padme' got twelve credits off at the local grocery store on Coruscant. Other senate members are letting their voices be heard over this. The mysterious, yet not so mysterious since a large percentage of Jedi and senators know who he is, Count Dooku has made it hard for the remaining Jedi to maintain peace and order in the galaxy because of his Seperatist actions. Senator Amidala, the former Queen of Naboo and playmate of the year last year, is heading to THE GALACTIC SENATE to vote on the military act to assist the overwhelming Jedi........**

**......she's heading there on her brand spanking new Senate ship, all shiny and stuff.......**

**......O.K, you can pan the camera up a bit more so you can see them fly by, hurry up or you'll miss them.......**

**......there, not a bad job Phil.....**

**T**he large Chrome colored senator ship flew gracfully through space on its way to Coruscant, with Naboo fighters on both sides, flanking it. It did a fancy little corkscrew as it entered the atmosphere.

" ARGHH!!! Tom !! What the hell man !!! " Padme' screamed at her pilot as she bounced around her room, combs and clothes flew all over the wall as she tried to get a hold of something solid.

The ship landed safely on the platform of the Senate states building. Over near one of the figher pilot ships, the hatch opened and a Naboo fighter pilot took his helmet off as he addressed a woman fighter pilot next to him.

" We made it. I told you Tom could fly. " Captain Typho said to the woman fighter pilot, who mysteriously didn't remove her helmet to respond, what a rude person !

The senator ship suddenly exploded! Sending the dignataries and personell flying in several directions at once. The woman fighter pilot whipped her helmet off, it was Padme' !!!! She ran to the destruction zone while alarms made alarm-like sounds in the background.

Her bodyguard Corde' was lying down at the bottom of the ramp, a trickle of blood running down the corner of her mouth, other than that, she wasn't hurt at all.

" I.....failed you senator. " Corde' said as she tried to stand up, Padme' screamed, " No ! " and hugged her friend violently, killing her in the process.

" M'lady we better go, there could be more explosions nearby. " Typho grabbed her elbow.

Padme' stood up, dropping her friend with a sick sounding plop, " I shouldn't have come back! "

" This vote is very important. " Typho tugged a little on her elbow now. Padme' stood there staring at the desctruction.

" We have to go now. " Typho tugged her elbow again, Padme' looked around at the dead bodies.

" COME ON!!! " Typho backhanded Padme' across the face, she staggered a little then followed Typho off of the ramp. R2-D2 tried to follow but got hung up on a piece of scrap metal, he made a whoo noise as silly, mocking music played in the background.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**Senate Chamber ..........**

" Order !! We will have order !! Stop throwing those damn plastic cups around ! They have sharp edges you know !! " Mas Amedda screamed at the unruling senators on his floating platform. A dozen random floating platforms floated here and there in the large chamber.

The supreme chancellor Palpatine walked up to the edge of his podium, " Senators and gentleman. We have recieved news that..... "

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**Chancellor's office ........**

"......queen Amidala, former queen of, former queen...what the hell? How did I end up here? " Palpatine had a concerned expression of his face. Yoda, Ko-Ploon and Mace Windu sat across from his desk, giving him an odd stare.

" Ol' man lost his fuckin' mind. " Mace muttered.

" Your language you must watch master Windu, for bad language is the path to the dark side. " Yoda gave Mace a light tap on his knee.

" Why don't you kiss the dark side of my a......" Mace was interrupted by Palpatine, " I don't know how much longer I can hold off the vote my friends, more and more star systems are joining the seperatists. "

" If they do break away....." Mace was interrupted again by Palpatine.

" I will not let this republic, which has stood for a thousand years, be split in two. " Palpatine seemed determined to show the masters he meant business.

" If they do, you must realize, there aren't enough Jedi to......."

" Master Yoda, do you really think it will come to war ? " Palpatine cut off Mace rudely for yet another time.

Yoda seemed deep in thought with his eyes closed , everyone waited for a response. Mace gave Yoda a nudge with his elbow.

" Squalk! Sorry! Nodded off I did. Ah Senator Amidala, it warms my heart that you are still alive. " Yoda said, scooting off of the chair, the others looked around, there was nobody new here, she didn't come in the door yet.

The door to the room chimed, then opened. Senator Amidala, Captain Typho, Mas Amedda , Bail Organa, Horox Ryyder and several hundred of their attendants piled into the room, they all tripped over each other as the doorway wasn't wide enough to accomidate several hundred people.

" Fuck, not him. " Mace slapped his forehead as Jar Jar Binks strolled in last.

" Do you have any idea who was behind the attack? " Amidala quickly started the conversation, leaving Yoda's mouth hanging open.

" Our intelligence points to disgruntled Jawa's on the plains of Tatooine. " Mace looked down and shuffled his feet.

" From now on Mace, " Amidala stared a hole through the Jedi master, " Refer to your _intelligence_ as _our dumb as wet shit _team. " Everyone in the room laughed except Mace.

" I think Count Dooku was behind it. " Amidala announced. The room responded in gasps and heavy sighs.

" He is a raging homosexual, not a murderer. " Ki-Adi-Mundi said nodding his long ugly head at the former queen of Naboo.

" Then it is settled then, she will be protected by Obi-Wan and Anikan. " Palpatine said over the conversations breaking out left and right.

" Wait a second, nobody said..... " Amidala was cut off cut Palpatine. " Oh, but I do, I do your gracefullness. "

Everyone gave the old man a weird stare.

" OBI's gonna be hear-E ! Yipeee !! " Jar- Jar jumped for joy.

" What a pile of shit that one is. " A senator in the background commented. A few assistants started making sickening groaning sounds after Jar-Jar's outburst, the room started to get louder and louder with _Jar-Jar sucks _chants.

" Don't worry Jar-Jar. Don't pay attention to these people. " Palpatine tried to comfort the ugly creature from across the room, Jar-Jar nodded and looked to the floor.

" It's just that, that........MAN YOU JUST SO GODDAMN HATEFULL !!! " Palpatine screamed and shot force lightning across the room, Jar-Jar was pinned to the wall, he melted soon after. The room laughed. Yoda shuffled over to the melted form of Jar-Jar, he pulled down his tiny pants and took a leak on the pile of rubbery mass of Jar-Jar binks.

For some strange reason, the room sat there and watched Yoda piss all over Jar-Jar's melted form, it lasted several minutes, Yoda was legendary for taking long leaks.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**Meanwhile....................**

The chapter ended.


	2. Word

**Star Wars : Attack of the Clones - A Parody - **

_________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 2 - Word -

_________________________________________________________________________________

_A long time ago, in a galaxy, far , far away ....................._

**STAR WARS **

**EPISODE 2 **

**ATTACK OF THE CLONES**

**THERE IS UNREST IN THE......WAIT A SECOND......WE COVERED THIS ALREADY. WHERE WERE WE IN THE STORY AGAIN? LET'S DO A RECAP AND FIND OUT......**

(watery flashback )

_A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away........._

**STAR WARS **

**EPISODE 2**

**ATTACK OF THE CLONES **

**THERE IS UNREST IN THE GALAXY, **

(recap complete)

_______________________________________________________________________________

**Inside the apartment elevator........**

Obi-Wan and Anakin were riding high up the side of Padme's large apartment complex, Anakin started to fiddle with his robes. A joint floated in front of him.

" You seem a little on edge, Anakin. " Obi-Wan continued to float the joint in front of his padewan.

Anakin waved the joint away with a hand. " Not at all. "

" I haven't felt you this tense since you fell into that huge pile of Rancor dung. " Obi-Wan said with a smirk.

" You fell into that mess, master. I rescued you, remember? " Anakin said almost too defensively.

" Oh, yes. " Obi-Wan started to chuckle, as did Anakin.

Obi-Wan took a little breath as he stopped chuckling, he then brushed his beard with his hand. But Anakin was having trouble stopping, his face was beat red and his mouth was wide open, tongue extended, eyes bulging, screaming with laughter in Obi-Wan's face. The Jedi knight stood there as waves of laughter air bristled his beard and hair, he couldn't take it much longer.

" Relax, take a deep breath. " Obi-Wan scolded his padewan.

" I haven't seen her in ten years master. " Anakin breathed out in pants, his arm pits were soaked now in sweat, his hair completely drenched.

" You're sweating. " Obi-Wan observed.

" No shit. " Anakin said then they both broke down in laughter.

**GEORGE LUCAS : CUT!! CUT!! LET ME REVISE THE LAST FEW SENTENCES HERE AND WE'LL DO IT OVER**. ( pencil scratching noises) (conversations with OBI-WAN and Anakin) **O.K, TAKE IT FROM **- _I HAVEN'T SEEN HER IN TEN YEARS MASTER_......**ACTION!!!!!**

" You're sweating. " Obi-Wan observed, but with better acting this time.

" You'd sweat too if the force was strong as it is in my family. " Anakin had a dark look on his face.

" What the fuck? " Obi-Wan laughed looking off behind the camera.

**GEROGE LUCAS : SORRY! LET ME REVISE THAT SENTENCE! **( pencil scratching, conversations with Obi-Wan and Anakin. ) **O.K !!! TAKE IT FROM **- _What the fuck ? _....**annnnnd ACTION !!!!! **

**_______________________________________________________________________________**

**Apartment inside........**

The apartment doors slid open as the master and padewan strode in the room.

" Obi ! Obi ! Obi ! Mesa soooo smilin to seein yousa !! Yahoooo !!!! " Jar Jar Binks yelled out and hopped as he greeting the Jedi.

" Isn't he supposed to be dead? " Obi-Wan looked over the camera again.

" Please tell me this is true. " Anakin muttered.

Jar Jar Binks was suddenly replaced by a human dressed in a blue business suit.

" Greetings, it is wonderfull that you have decided to enter this establishment. I am happy to see you because we had an adventure in the past. " He shook both of their hands.

Padme' , Captain Typho and Dormat were chatting about something when the business man walked into the room, followed by Obi-Wan, Anakin and Mace Windu. (who begged and pleaded for more screentime. )

" Welcome to the meeting room ! " The business man turned over dramatically.

" In the doorway! Weighing in at 135 pounds, he's a Jedi Knight with an astounding record of 1 and 0 with one kill. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooobi WAAAAAAAAAnnnnnnn KEEEEEEnnnnobi !!!! Kenobi !!! " The business man screamed waving his hand at Obi-Wan.

" AND !!! Also in the doorway !! He's a Jedi knight in training ....... "

" That'll be quite enough Mr. Buffer, we can continue alone. " Padme' said standing up, she waved her hand and Buffer vanished.

" It is a pleasure to see you again M'lady. " Obi-Wan respectfully bowed his head, revealing Mace Windu behind him, looking over his shoulder for attention.

Padme' bowed and smiled at Obi-Wan's greeting.

" The pleasure is all mine. " Obi-Wan said again.

Anakin opened his mouth to speak, but everyone walked over to the couch. There was no room left for Mace, the Jedi Master was forced to stand behind the couch were Obi-Wan and Anakin sat.

" I'm captain Typho, you may of heard of my adventures. " Typho began with a smug look on his face. The Jedi just looked at each other and shrugged.

" _Typho and the Debate Debacle _? " Typho tried.

" Sorry. " Obi-Wan tried not to smile.

" _Typho and the mystery of the mysteries _? " He tried again.

Obi-Wan broke out laughing. Anakin covered his face.

" What kind of fucking title is that ? " Mace roared.

_______________________________________________________________________________

**23 seconds later ........**

" I don't need more subtitles, I need answers. I want to know who's killing me. " Padme' had a stern look on her face.

Obi-Wan frowned then rubbed his beard, " We're here to protect you senator, not to protect you. "

" We'll find the killer Padme'. " Anakin blurted out.

" Who the hell is _this_ guy ? " Padme' had a disgusted look on her face.

" We will not exceed our mandate, " Obi-Wan growled and pulled the back of Anakin's hair, " and you will learn your place, bitch! " He finished with a slap on the back of Anakin's head.

" Why ? " Anakin said , everyone in the room gasped. Mace activated his purple lightsaber.

" WHAT ?!!? " Obi-Wan asked.

" Why. " Anakin whispered, lowering his head. His face was almost bleeding it was so red. Obi-Wan looked back at Mace and gave him a _ I can't believe this kid !! _look.

" Perhaps just by you Jedi being here, the killer will show his face, " Padme' said standing up, " but I must retire. A senators life is no work for me. I'm moving back to Naboo to become a whore like my mother was, and still is. "

" Padme' !! NOoooo !! " Typho did a slow dive at this announcement.

" I'm just kidding. " Padme' said then everyone laughed. With added laugh track.

" Heh heh. Just like in _Typho and the Glass Jar for Drinking. _" Typho said picking himself up off of the floor.

_______________________________________________________________________________

**About three minutes later......**

" She barely recognized me Jar Jar. " Anakin said to the thin air.

" Who you be talkin' to Anakin ? Ain't nobody there bro! " Mace patted Anakin on the back.

" You are focusing on the negative Anakin. " Obi-Wan pushed Mace aside.

" I thought about her every day for the last ten years master. She could've at least said _hi, I remember you, you are alive. _" Tears welled up in Anakin's eyes.

" Here, " Obi-Wan passed Anakin a white rag, " a tissue for your issue. "

" Ha ha ! Dope man! Real dope. " Mace laughed, looking right at the camera.

" Mace, what are you doing here by the....." Obi-Wan tried to say.

" Word ! " Mace stood closer to the camera, blocking out Obi-Wan.

" I'm worried, master. " Anakin's voice could be heard behind Mace Windu's zoomed in cheek.

_______________________________________________________________________________

The end of chapter 2 - If you want to leave a review, please do.


	3. Guarding Padme'

**Attack of the Clones - A Parody **

**_________________________________________________________________________________**

**Chapter 3 - Guarding Padm'e - **

**_________________________________________________________________________________**

**J**ango Fett stood on a ledge high up in the city of Coruscant. He stood there, standingly. Zam Wesell approached on a speeder, they she exitted the speeder then walked towards Jango.

" I hit the ship, but they used a decoy. " Zam said as she stood in front of Jango.

" Huh? Do I know you ? " Jango said shaking his helmet.

" Zam Wesell, hello ? " The Changeling waved it's arms impatiently.

" I don't know any Zam, sorry. " Jango crossed his arms and lit a death stick, but threw it over the ledge when he realized he couldn't get a drag off of it with his helmet on.

" This could take awhile. " Zam said to the camera.

" Who are you talking to ? " Fett asked.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Anakin stood near the balcony in Padme's apartment, he was trying to look like he was deep in thought, but he just ended up looking constipated instead.

The elevator doors opened, Obi-Wan entered the apartment.

" Captain Typho has three men downstairs, no assassin will try that way. Any activity up here ? " Obi-Wan announced looking around.

" Quiet as a tomb. " Anakin said turning around.

Obi-Wan put his hands on his hips, turned a little to his side, then put on his sunglasses , " Then lets make sure it's not Padme's."

_YEAAAAAH !!! _

_We don't get fooled again !! _

_Don't get fooled again!! _

_No !! NO !! _

" C.S.I Miami reference again master ? " Anakin smiled.

" Sorry, I love that show. " Obi-Wan took off his glasses.

" She covered her cameras, I don't think she liked me watching her. " Anakin scowled.

" I don't blame her, I wouldn't want a drooling kid watching me either. " Obi-Wan mumbled.

" What did you say master ? " Anakin looked at his master with anger.

" I said I don't think it's a wise idea. She's a drooling, stinking fool. " Obi-Wan pounded his fist on his leg.

" YAWN!! " Anakin yawned.

" You look tired. " Obi-Wan observed.

" I don't sleep well anymore. " Anakin lowered his head.

" Because of your mother? " Obi-Wan reached into his pocket.

" I don't know why I keep dreaming about....about.....could you stop floating that joint in front of me master ? " Anakin waved the joint away.

" Dreams pass in time. " Obi-Wan said then quickly put on his sunglasses.

_YEAHHHHH !!! _

_We don't get fooled again !!! _

_Don't get fooled again !! _

_No !! NOO!!!! _

" I'd rather dream of Padme' , " Anakin said, walking towards the outside rail , " just being around her again is......intoxicating. "

A bottle of whiskey floated next to Anakin's head.

" Master !! " Anakin screamed.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Padme' woke up and decided she had too much clothing on, she heading to her dresser to get a nightdress out of the top drawer.

_______________________________________________________________________________

" And I'm telling YOU, the Ace, Jack is a better starting hand. " Obi-Wan argued.

" I'd prefer the three of hearts, eight of clubs. " Anakin argued, leaving his masters mouth hanging open.

" I like the double breasted queens. " Mace Windu said, crawling up over the rail.

" What in the blazes are YOU doing here? " Obi-Wan spat out.

" Watch yo mouth, lower rank! " Mace pointed.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Padme' held up a piece of dental floss in her hands, she had found her nightdress. She lowered her right strap down revealing a bare shoulder......

_______________________________________________________________________________

" If you feel that strongly about my body odor, you could have said...." Obi-Wan and Anakin looked at each other with a shocked expression.

" I sense it too ! " Obi-Wan exclaimed as he took out his lightsaber. They ran towards Padme's room.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Padme' pulled the cover up to her neck and started to close her eyes, suddenly two blue lightsabers with Jedi attached came cutting through the door. They both stood next to her bed panting.

Padme' smiled at Anakin, who was trying his hardest to flex his arm as he held his lightsaber.

Obi-Wan scowled and turned around. _Damn show off. _He crossed his arms and began a little pout when he saw a holo news droid approach the window. _I'll show him. _

Obi-Wan ran to the window and jumped, but the glass didn't even crack. The Jedi crumpled to the floor in a pathetic thump.

Everyone laughed.

**Cut !! CUT !!!! O.K, not bad !! Not bad !! Now lets start saying stuff here thats relavent to the story, we need more story here.....annnnnnnnnd action !!! **

" Are you alright Obi-Wan ? " Padme' asked, concerned.

" Yes senator, " Obi-Wan brushed himself off, " It seems that an assassin tried to send some bugs in your room to kill you. The assassin was a changling. "

" Probably working for an armored Bounty Hunter. " Anakin added.

" Ya, ya. A bounty hunter with a jet pack! " Obi-Wan pointed to his own back and pretended to fly around the bedroom.

" Sounds like a plot to destroy the Jedi with an army of clones, dressed in laser armor and created by....." Padme' was cut off by.....

**CUT !!! CUT !!! That's great, perfect !!! I wish I would have thought of it myself !! Alright, lets cut a little bit back on the story now and add more action !!! We're lacking action scenes !!! Andddd**

**MORE ACTION !!! **

**End of chapter 3**

_______________________________________________________________________________


	4. Lots of flyin around

**ATTACK OF THE CLONES - A PARODY _____**

* * *

**Chapter 4 - Lots of flyin around -**

* * *

W_**hen we last found our Jedi, something happened, now…the continuation of Attack of the Clones…….**_

* * *

_**The JEDI TEMPLE - AT NIGHT !!! **_

_M_ace Windu and Yoda were taking a leisurely stroll down a long , dark corridor, with a brightly lit open door at the end of the hall.

" Once again, I underestimated your ping-pong skills. " Mace said, with his arms folded behind him, he had a pained expression on his face.

" Your curve ball is weak, use more of the force spin, you must. " Yoda answered.

" Was that final back flip slam really necessary ? " Mace held out his right arm.

" The flip was a distraction. Focus on the game Windu, not the flip. For the flip is like the galaxy, strong in the appearance of the…."

" Jesus man ! Just one simple answer ! I don't need a fuckin speech every time. "

They continued the walk in silence.

* * *

**PADME'S PAD - AT NIGHT !! **

Obi-Wan smashed through the window and hung on to the probe droid, it was in a panic now, trying to return to its master. Anakin ran around in the apartment bay, trying to find the right speeder for the action ahead.

" This one doesn't have an open cockpit though . " Anakin whined.

" Sir, we have the new _Jedi Chase Scene Speeder 6000. _Would you like to view that one today ? " The sales droid asked.

" Show it to me, and hurry up, my master hates when I'm late. " Anakin tapped his foot as the droid hurried off to present a new speeder.

The droid returned with a fancy new speeder with an open cockpit. Anakin screamed with joy, he jumped in and took off into the night.

" What an idiot. " The sales droid commented to his fellow droid companions.

" Ya, seriously. _That's_ a jedi ? Yoda must be getting desperate. " The mechanic droid commented.

The new speeder returned with a very ticked off Anakin behind the wheel. He jumped out of the speeder red faced. " This is the slowest pile of crap I'm ever flown !! GET ME A SPEEDER THAT'S FASTER THAN THIS !!! THIS SHOULD BE CALLED A SLOWER !! NOT A SPEEDER !!! "

* * *

**CORUSCANT - AT NIGHT !!! **

Obi-Wan continued to fall towards the street. With no rescue coming. A laser shot on the probe droid had caused all of this pointless falling. " This is ridiculous, where is that boy ? "

He closed his eyes and meditated for awhile.

* * *

**PADME'S SPEEDER BAY SALES - STILL NIGHT. **

" I suppose this one will do. " Anakin sighed, " I'm sorry to be such an ass guys. But its really Obi-Wan's fault. If he didn't have to jump out of apartment windows all the time then I wouldn't have to go through the trouble of…."

" Shouldn't you be going sir ? " The sales droid interrupted.

" Yes," Anakin bit his lower lip , " I suppose I should. "

Anakin did a side cartwheel into the cockpit and sped off into the night.

" What an idiot. " The sales droid commented again.

The speeder returned again, with an embarrassed looking Anakin behind the wheel. " I forgot to pay you guys, how much is it ? "

* * *

**CORUSCANT - STILL NIGHT - **

" Where is that blasted kid ?! " Obi-Wan roared as the street got closer and closer, he could see a chalk outline of a body on the pave with written words in the middle of the outline. _RESERVED FOR MACE WINDU. _

" That's strange. Oh, finally !! " Obi-Wan fell into the passenger seat of a speeder, but it wasn't Anakin's speeder.

" Oh ! " Bail Organa stated, " I'm glad I've got some company finally. Here, I wanted to share this upcoming political assembly speech on you. What's this opener sound like. Uhumm. Alright, focus. Uhumm. How about that weather were having folks ? It rained so hard last night I thought we were getting another….."

" OH BROTHER !! SHUT UP !! " Obi-Wan jumped over the edge of the speeder and free fell again through the night sky.

* * *

**ANAKIN'S SPEEDER - CORUSCANT - NIGHT !! **

" Oooof !! " Anakin landed hard inside a hapless speeder's speeder. The Corellian screamed and jumped out of his speeder fearing a pirate attack by Anakin.

_Why did I jump out of my speeder again ? Oh, ya. I hated the colour. _

" Oooof ! " Bail Organa landed hard in the passenger seat.

" What are _you_ doing here ?! " Anakin yelped, surprised.

" I uh. Ummm, just tried to commit suicide. " Bail lowered his head in shame.

" It's good that you didn't sir. " Anakin flashed a smile in Bail's direction.

" Now that I have your company, let me test my latest opening to a speech I'm making at the next assembly meeting …."

* * *

**CORUSCANT - NIGHT !! **

" I am going to strangle that kid when I see him again !! " Obi-Wan screamed as he continued to free fall towards the street below.

" I'm sorry master ! " Anakin screamed, free falling next to him.

" What the hell ?! "

" It's a long story !! I got this speeder but….. "

THUMP !!! They both landed hard inside a speeder.

" What the fuck ?! What are you guys doing out this late ?! " Mace roared as he tried to regain control of his speeder.

" Master Windu, I don't remember you owning a TRI-SYSTEM 3400 !! Where did you get this ? " Obi-Wan immediately gave Mace a suspicious glare.

" I won it ! "

" Jedi don't gamble ! " Obi-Wan countered.

" It was passed down to me from my family ! "

" Jedi don't lie either ! " Obi-Wan was turning red with suspicion.

Mace Windu jumped over the side avoiding another uncomfortable question from Obi-Wan.

" Wait ! " Obi-Wan jumped over after him, followed by Anakin.

The three JedI were free falling through the Coruscant night sky.

" Mace ! Wait up ! " Obi-Wan called out.

" Master ! This is getting quite out of hand ! " Anakin screamed.


	5. The 5th Element

**Attack of the Clones - A Parody - **

* * *

Chapter 5 - The 5th Element -

* * *

" She, it went in there. " Anakin pointed to a local bar, " and I think she's a changeling. " Obi-Wan rubbed his beard and studied the bar. _I really shouldn't go in here, I promised my AA team I'd stay far away from booze. _

" We should be extra careful then. " Obi-Wan said, his voice shaking a bit. They both walked inside the bar, heads on a slight swivel examining the patrons. _There's C3-PO without his armour on, what a nerd. _Obi-Wan sat at the bar, half watching Anakin survey the far corner of the room.

" Wanna buy some death sticks ? " A small man creature asked Obi-Wan, his little antennas moving around on the top of his head.

" You don't want to sell me death sticks, " Obi-Wan waved his hand , " you want to give them to me free of charge. "

" I want to give them to you free of charge. " The creature obeyed, giving the JedI a few sticks.

" You also want to buy me a drink. " Obi-Wan smirked.

" I want to buy you a drink. " The creature nodded to the bartender and ordered a strong ale for Obi-Wan.

" It's quite pointless really. " Zam said, sitting down next to Obi-Wan and ordering a drink.

" What is ? " Obi-Wan smirked as he took a final gulp of his ale.

" I was going to sneak up on you and fire a bolt in your back, but you damn JedI can sense all this and I'd be thwarted. I might as well surrender now. "

" Master, look out ! " Anakin roared and a lightsaber flashed in front of Zam , severing her arm with a drink attached to it.

" Good work! " Obi-Wan yelled as he snatched the drink just before it spilled, he finished the drink for her.

" Who sent you ? **ANSWER ME **! " Anakin screamed at Zam, who was lying down next to her stool.

" A bounty hunter named… " Zam was interrupted by a zing noise then a dart sticking in her neck.

" Jango….." another dart stuck in her neck.

" Fe….." two more darts.

" TT…" five more darts.

" Did you understand what she said ? " Obi-Wan asked Anakin, who just shook his head, they both looked to the far side of the bar, a bounty hunter with heavy armour on started his jetpack and took off right through the ceiling of the bar.

* * *

The next day…..The JedI Temple…..

Obi-Wan and Anakin stood inside the large circle inside the JedI Council Chamber * ( previously known as JedI Master Meeting Chamber Place ) , they were surrounded by masters sitting in their seats.

" ….and pay for your drinks, you did ? " Yoda asked Obi-Wan.

" There wasn't time to pay for them, master. " Obi-Wan sounded nervous.

" What kind of drink did you have ? " Mace Windu asked, trying to sound official.

" A mixture of…." Obi-Wan rubbed his eyes in frustration, " we are missing the point here ! "

" Track down this bounty hunter, you must. " Yoda said pointing at Obi-Wan.

" Most importantly, find out what kind of drink you had there. " Mace added.

" What about Senator Amidala ? She'll still need protecting. " Obi-Wan added.

" You will protect her too while investigating the bounty hunter, while uncovering the plot to over-tax the citizens of Coruscant. " Yoda pointed three times in a row.

" While finding out what kind of drink you had. " Mace added, and pointed his finger as well.

" Could I possibly give Anakin one of those tasks ? " Obi-Wan asked, his hands inside his sleeves.

The entire chamber went up in arms, a real commotion. The masters started to argue about Anakin's incompetence. Obi-Wan watched Anakin's response. _The poor kid, look at him, he's nearly crying. _

" Let him protect the senator, he will, then. " Yoda said quickly. The masters let out a collective groan.

* * *

The next day….Palpatine's Office….

" Senator Amidala will not refuse an executive order, " Palpatine gave Anakin an evil smirk, " especially when I raise the back of my hand like this. " He raised his hand to show the JedI.

" Thank-you master. " Anakin bowed his head.

" Not yet. "

" Thank you, your Excellency. " Anakin half bowed this time.

" I see they finally gave you an assignment, your patience has paid off. " Palpatine smiled.

" My patience more than my patience. " Anakin said, then stopped walking, he scratched the back of his head.

Palpatine gave the boy a pathetic look then continued , " I see you becoming the greatest of all the JedI, even more powerful than Yoda. "

" Ya, right ! " Anakin laughed and slapped Palpatine's back, the move shot the old man's dentures out of his mouth and on to the floor.

* * *

The next few minutes…Back in the JedI Temple…

Mace walked side by side with Obi-Wan down a long corridor, Yoda followed behind in a small floating machine that allowed him to keep pace with the taller humans.

" I don't think my padawan is ready for this assignment . " Obi-Wan said sadly as he looked out one of the large windows as he walked by.

" Is it possible he could have advanced Cofilgantinitis ? I had a padawan that had that once, he nearly died of it before we found out what it was. " Mace's voice trailed off evenly. Obi-Wan gave him a curious look.

" Is he not the chosen one ? " Obi-Wan asked, hoping Yoda would chime in any time here.

" Well, if he has then I doubt it. There was a time when the terahanfieldamologyists of the center were created for just this reason. " Mace said, pointing at nothing.

" Perhaps Mace is right. " Yoda added.

" He is, eh ? " Obi-Wan groaned.

" If you want to get polychromafilganterous about it then I suggest we move on and be done with it. " Mace was getting angry now.

" Pay attention to Mace you will . " Yoda gave Obi-Wan a tap on the back with his walking stick.

" Back in my day, we trojectionionalysed the hypercondramechanichaliserrs and combined everything with the probates and hyper ion-transfiligaters. If you want to get technical about it then…"

" I don't want to get technical, please. " Obi-Wan whined.

" You WILL fuckin listen to me Obi-Wan ! " Mace slapped Obi-Wan in the back of the head, causing him to fall on his stomach. The JedI masters laughed at him.

* * *

Two Hours Later…Padme's Apartment….partly cloudy….news at 6.….

Anakin stood by watching Jar Jar ( who wasn't dead anymore somehow ) and Padme' chat with her hand maidens, luggage and crates of Padme's shit were everywhere.

" I'm leaving, keep an eye on the senate while I'm gone Jar Jar. " Padme said with no emotion.

" Meesa…."

" Just fucking run along you annoying pile of bantha shit. " Padme said with even less emotion somehow.

" But I have grown up, you said it yourself. " Anakin moved closer to Padme while she tried to pack.

" What are you going on about now ? " She grumbled while stuffing a dress into a suitcase.

" Us. " Anakin had a twinkle in his eye now.

" There is no _us_. Just shut up and protect me and we'll get along fine. " She grumbled again.

" I hate sand. " Anakin said softly while she continued to pack.

* * *

Somewhere in the darkest corners of Coruscant…..

A small mouse made his way along a crumbling wall covered in shadows. He was looking for just one piece of scrap, something to eat. _I'm starving_. He found an empty burger wrapper and started a quick inspection of its contents. _Yes ! _Some citizen of Coruscant decided he didn't like pickles and lettuce, he left them inside the wrapper. Another, fatter mouse came scurrying along and found him eating one of the pickles.

" Good huh ? " Said the fat mouse.

" Delicious ! " The small mouse said, with a piece of pickle hanging out of the side of his mouth.

" Perhaps _too_ good for you ? " The fatter mouse said.

" Maybe just a little. " The small mouse couldn't understand it, suddenly he thought the food inside the wrapper was just too upper class for a low life like himself.

" Perhaps you'd like to move on, get something a little downgraded, like the trash bin around the corner. " The fat mouse waved his arm suggestively.

" Perhaps I would. " The small mouse quickly scurried off.


	6. Merchants of the lost dart

Attack of the Clones - A Parody - _Super_Tinfoil_Man Part 2 _

* * *

Chapter 6 - Merchants of the lost Dart -

* * *

_"We, the people of the Coruscant Merchant Movement, in order to form a more perfect union, establish injustice, insecure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the Galactic Republic. Excuse me, Barhaltagorn, are we boring you here tonight ? Could you put away the video game and pay attention please. " _

_- President of the C.M.M , two days before Merchant War 2 . _

* * *

" _In these days of darkness, of endless pain and suffering, we must band together to extinguish these Merchants. They think they have rights, they are wrong. They think they can tell me to put away MY VIDEO GAME ! This will not be tolerated. " _

_- Barhaltagorn , Leader of the We Hate Merchants Party, W.H.M.P , one day before Merchant War 2. _

* * *

_**A **_transport bus flew gracefully through the daytime Coruscant sky towards the spaceport docks. Padme' and Anakin stood up in their merchant outfits and headed to the door where a small party were waiting outside.

" Be safe M'lady." Captain Typho said as he passed Padme' some luggage.

" Thank you Captain, please take care of Dorme' , the threat is on you two now…somehow. " Padme' smiled awkwardly. Miles away, Dorme' was lying face up in a dirty alley with a laser hole in her forehead.

" No problem your worshipfullnessness, it'll be just like _Captain Typho and The Secure Securities. _" He beemed.

Padme' laughed and gave Typho a hug, when she let him go, he was weeping.

" You'll be fine. " She comforted him.

" Its not me, what if they..(SOB) …find out you left and…(WEEP)..try to attack you in some horrible way, like in _Captain Typho and the Murdering Murderer_. "

" Then my JedI protector will have to see how good he is. " Padme' beemed as she looked over to Anakin who had just tripped over his own luggage. A trickle of blood dripped down his cheek as he sat dazed.

Obi-Wan pulled Anakin's hair and dragged him to one side. " Anakin, don't do anything without first calling the council and pre-clearing authority codes before hand. "

" Yes, master. " Anakin bowed his head.

" We will get to the bottom of this plot ….." Obi-Wan's communicator bleeped and he took it out with a quizzical look on his bearded face. Anakin's image appeared on the communicator….. " MASTER, WE ARE PREPARING TO LEAVE DRESSED AS MERCHANTS…."

" Anakin ! Don't be a smart ass. May the force be with you. "

" And also with you. " Anakin responded robotically.

" Lift up our hearts. " Obi-Wan continued.

" We lift them up to the force. " Anakin continued in his robot voice.

" Let us give faith to the force our god. "

" We like to give it thanks and praise. " They both said together. Obi-Wan took out a small round slice of bread, he broke it in half and fed it to Anakin, " The body of the Force."

" Amen. "

" Oh for shit sakes ! Can you religious boobs get it over with, my breasts are sweating in this thing. " Padme' complained.

Padme', Anakin and Artoo made their way into the distance in the space port. Obi-Wan stood next to Typho and watched them go.

" I hope he doesn't try anything foolish. " Obi-Wan said, rubbing his beard.

" I'd be more concerned about him doing something, than her. " Typho gave Obi-Wan a knowing nod, thinking he had just said something clever, then walked away.

* * *

**A few hours later, in the Droid Analysis bay…..**

**Obi-**wan walked slowly by the glass windows watching the white droids labour away with parts and machinery. _It seems like yesterday when the Droids Rights Movement passed and we have to actually give these things a pay check now. I remember when droids didn't have rights, what a world we live in…..Padme' is SOOO HOT, I wonder if she'll let me hold her hand, I could TRIP, YA ! I could trip and GRAB her hand ! Yes, that's what I'll do….._

" Anakin ! " Obi-Wan slapped the side of his own head , " your thoughts are interrupting mine ! Do you mind ? "

_Sorry Master, it must be my massive mediclorian count. _

" If you were here now I'd slam a door in your face. " Obi-Wan muttered as the white droid slid a tray out in from of him.

" Place the subject for analysis on the sensor tray, please. " The droid said in a very soft voice.

Obi-Wan reached into his side robe pocket and placed the dart in the tray, the tray slid inside and the droid picked it up, a small screen lit up in front of Obi-Wan.

" It's a toxic dart, I need to know who made it and where it came from. "

" One moment please. "

The droid slid over and stood directly behind another white droid who was furiously doing some work on a table. They chatted for several minutes while Obi-Wan looked on.

The droid then announced it was going on break and left the room. Obi-Wan's face reddened. _Damn Droids Rights Movement. _

The droid returned thirty minutes later. It slid over to Obi-Wan and announced that it had a great break.

" Unknown thing, probably made by some smuggler in the outer rim, who beats his wife every weekend and cheats on her, he has thirteen kids. Stand away from the sensor tray. "

" Wha…" Obi-Wan was knocked in the chest by the sensor tray and fell to his back. The dart fell out of the tray and landed near his feet.

" Wait, could you give it another try please ? " Obi-Wan protested.

" Master JedI, our records are very thorough. They cover twenty three percent of the known Galaxy. If we can't identify it, then it probably doesn't exist. "

" You held the fucking thing IN YOUR ROBOTIC HAND ! It does exist ! " Obi-Wan was flirting with the dark side now.

" Thanks for nothing. I know who can identify this, though why I didn't go there first is beyond me. "

* * *

**Later…..inside a used junk shop….**

" Looks like some kind of toxic dart. " The alien merchant guessed as he inspected the object in his green hand.

" Thanks, wait, " Obi-Wan pointed to the ceiling , " I know who can identify this. "

* * *

**Later….inside a used junk shop…**

" Like I told you two hours ago, it looks like some kind of toxic dart. " The alien merchant guessed as he inspected the object in his green hand.

" Oh ya, " Obi-Wan's face lit up , " I know who can identify this ! "

* * *

**Later….inside Dex's Diner…**

" What you got here is one of those Kamino saberdarts. From 'dem cloners. " The fat six armed alien said to the JedI across the table.

" How did you figure that out that so quickly ? " Obi-Wan said in shock as he took another drink of his beer.

" Well, it's inscribed right here, it says ' One of those Kamino saberdarts ' Those droids yuh got over 'dere don't read words, they jus' look at shapes and symbols. " Dex smiled broadly as Obi-Wan retrieved the dart back, but he grabbed it too hard and it stabbed Dex's palm, killing the diner owner instantly. Obi-Wan looked around nervously then slid out of the diner unnoticed.

* * *

**37 miles away…in an abandoned warehouse…**

**A **figure stood in the shadows in a black cloak at the far end of the warehouse. The orange glow dot of a smoke flicked away from the figure's hand and rolled on the warehouse floor. A large door creaked open nearby and another figure in a black cloak entered the warehouse, the shadow slowly walked towards the other mysterious figure at the other end of the warehouse. The only sounds were the echo of the shadow's footsteps as it progressed further along the dirty floor. Then, only a few feet away now, it stopped. The two shadows stood there silent.

" Margox . " The first shadow announced in a crackly voice.

" Who ? " The second shadow replied.

" Are you not the assassin named Margox ? "

" No, my name is Phil, I hang out here. " The shadow took off his dark cloak to reveal a balding human.

The other dark figure stood silent. Then it slowly started to walk backwards, then it turned around and walked back the way it came. The only sounds were its footsteps echoing in the warehouse.

" Must have the wrong abandoned warehouse ! " Phil called out.

" Eat shit ! " The shadow called back as the doors creaked shut.

* * *

**5 Hours later …..in an abandoned warehouse…. **

A dark figure in a cloak stood in the shadows at the end of the warehouse, leaning on a abandoned service droid. It lit a smoke, coughed then threw it away. It then lit another smoke, coughed then threw it away again. At the far end of the warehouse, a door creaked open and a second figure in a cloak slipped inside. It then made a long, slow walk towards the leaning shadow. The only sounds in the warehouse now were its mysterious feet, echoing as it stepped. It stopped four feet away from the leaning shadow. Both shadows were deadly silent now.

" Margox ! " The intruding shadow announced in a crackly voice.

But there was no answer from the leaning shadow. Silence followed.

" Answer me Margox ! " The intruding shadow repeated.

" I would if I was Margox. " The leaning shadow said as he pulled off his hood , " the name's Phil. Why do you keep coming back here ? "


	7. What an idiot !

**Attack of the Clones - A Parody -**

* * *

**Chapter 7 - What an idiot ! -**

* * *

Obi-Wan walked deep into the JedI Temple**, **here in the archives room, computer monitors stretched into the distance. He eyed the busts of JedI past section. He walked by a bust of Count Dooku, Mace Windu, Mace Windu again. _What an ego on that guy! _He walked a little further, Nom Anor ? _Who in the blazing saddles is Nom Anor ? _

Obi-Wan sat down and accessed his terminal. He waited for Windows 45 to load. He continued to wait.

* * *

**One hour later….**

Windows 45 finally loaded. He began to click and type away until he found the sub-section buried deep in the third tier of sub-sections. _This is nearly impossible. _He rubbed his beard and looked around, _nobody is watching. _He decided to access his Facebook account.

**( Yoda ) **- Gone to teach young minds, I am. _**334 comments. **_

**(Anakin) **- Here on a merchant ship with Padme', heading to Naboo.

_**21245 comments. **_

Obi-Wan quickly added his comment on Anakin…..

**(Obi-Wan ) **- Nice job hiding where Padme' is going, you bloody nerd !

**( Jocasta Nu ) **- We do not use Facebook in the JedI Archives, Obi-Wan.

* * *

Obi-Wan looked behind him and visibly blushed. The five hundred year old JedI was standing there, tapping her foot. _How did she access her Facebook without a terminal ? _

" I don't need a terminal. " She lifted her nose.

" I've been trying to find a planet system called Kamino. It doesn't seem to show up on any of the archive charts. " The JedI master changed the subject.

" Kamino ? It is not a system I'm familiar with…." Jocasta Nu reached over Obi-Wan to tap some keys, one of her breasts popped out of her shirt and rolled down Obi-Wan's shoulder. His face was frozen in slack jawed shock as the wrinkly, skin coloured bag of flesh wiggled around his chest as she typed.

" Are you sure it exists ? " The ancient thing asked him as she continued to type a little faster, the bag of flesh tapped Obi-Wan lightly on the cheek.

" Absolutely. " Obi-Wan squeaked.

" Let me do a circumnavigation gravity scan…..should only take twelve minutes. "

Obi-Wan jumped up, " That won't be necessary. Please. " His voice quivered. He noticed the boob somehow pop back in when she straightened up.

Jocasta crossed her arms in annoyance , " You are quite jittery for a JedI Master.. The last time I saw…" Obi-Wan couldn't hear her anymore, he saw that once she crossed her arms, her boob popped out again, dipping low under her forearm. He pushed her to the floor and ran as fast as his force powers could allow, right out of the archive room.

* * *

**A really slow moving merchant ship heading to Naboo, according to Anakin's Facebook page anyway**…

R2-D2 strolled through the stinky crowds on the dirty ship. He strolled by the cafeteria and stole a stick of bread.

" Hey, no droids. " The food serving-making guy yelled.

The little dome headed astromech blapped at him and rolled to a table where Anakin and Padme' sat. R2-D2 snuck the breadstick on the table and rolled away.

" It must be difficult having sworn your life to the JedI….not being able to visit the places you like….or do the things you like…." Padme' gazed at the young man.

" …or do the things you like. " Anakin mentally slapped himself on the forehead.

" I said that already. " Padme' gave him an odd stare.

" Or be with the people I love. " Anakin gazed right into her eyes. He noticed a speck of sleep on the corner of her eyes, he wanted to wipe it off, but that would seem weird. He suddenly noticed a piece of lettuce sticking out of her front teeth. _Should I make a grab for that one ? _

" Ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa ! " Anakin burst out laughing.

_What kind of drugs is this kid on ? _" Are you allowed to love ? I thought it was forbidden for a JedI. "

_Be cool, man. Cool_. He flipped up his collar and leaned back on his chair, draping an arm over the back of the chair. He then tried a cool sneer.

_What in the hell ? _" Are you going to answer my question ? " Padme' crossed her arms without any boob loss.

_Damn, say something ! Make it up if you have to ! _" Attachment is forbidden. Possesion is forbidden. Talking too loudly is forbidden. Sleep is forbidden. Sleep, which I define as uncondition love, is central to a JedI's life. "

_What an idiot ! _" What an idiot ! " Padme covered her mouth right after.

" Who ? " Anakin looked behind him at the people there.

" Ahh, " _You can do it_, " that guy who ordered the Chef salad. Such a bad thing to order from a merchant ship. You know ? "

Anakin smirked, " What a fool. Why would he order the Chef's salad when he can order his own salad. The Chef's probably has a few bites taken out of it. " Anakin shook his head as he turned to see who ordered it.

_What a complete moron ! _Padme' tried her best to stifle her laughter, her face turned completely red and tears rolled down her cheeks.

" Don't worry Padme'. Nobody will hurt you while I'm around. " Anakin reached out and grabbed her hand.

" BLA HA HA HA HA HA ! " Padme' scream laughed causing the piece of lettuce to dislodge from her teeth and stick to Anakin's forehead. She sent her plate of food flying off the table as her arms thrashed around from crazy laughter. Snot flowed out of her nostrils.

Anakin leaned his head back and gave the worst forced laughter in history, " Ho har hee hee ha ! Wheeze ! Ho Hee ha ho hee ? "

* * *

Obi-Wan stopped just shy of walking directly into the training room. There were twenty little kids in lightsaber training, with little robotic orbs floating around their heads. They all had the face shields down so they couldn't see.

" Be one with the force ! Use it, let it flow…." Yoda spied Obi-Wan smiling at him from the door , " what the fuck Obi-Wan ? See me training younglings, do you not ? "

Obi-Wan slowly backed away, holding his hands up in surrender.

" Kidding I am. Younglings ! A visitor we have ! Obi-Wan ! "

" Welcome , Master Obi-Wan ! " All the children greeting in unison.

" What can I do ya for ? " Yoda asked, lifting up his collar and trying to look cool.

" I'm looking for a planet. I can't find it in the arch….."

" Someone erased it from the JedI Archives. " A young blond boy stepped forward.

" Huh ! " Obi-Wan smirked. _Damn kid ! Made me look like a complete jerk in front of Yoda ! He didn't even have to think about it ! FUCK YOU LITTLE KID ! _

" The padewan is right. " Yoda pointed with one of his little fingers, " your face is red. Must not give in to anger, Obi-Wan. "

" I know, " Obi-Wan lowered his head, " It's just that…"

" A master he is not, but much smarter. " Yoda teased. _Must not let Obi-Wan know that I did not know either. _

" But master, erasing information from the JedI archives is impossible isn't it ? "

Yoda nodded, " Windows 45 is not agreeable. Deep and disturbing this mystery is. Only a JedI could have erased those files. Meditate on this I will. "

The blond youngling stepped forward again, " Um, duh ! Count Dooku arrives out of nowhere leading an army of separated planets from the Republic. Count Dooku is a _bad_ JedI, the only one who could access the files while he was here. Come _on_ ! "

Obi-Wan and Yoda both activated their lightsabers.

* * *

_To be continued….._


	8. Nothing happens

**Star Wars - Attack of the Clones - A Parody - **

**

* * *

**

_Super_Tinfoil_Man Part 2 - _

* * *

**Chapter 8 - Nothing happens -**

* * *

" _If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. "_

- George Carlin -

* * *

**Interior of the Naboo Palace - The throne room - **

**Q**ueen Jamilla sat on her throne with Sio Babble, a few advisors, some guards and people who were not important. Well, she was actually flanked by these others, they didn't sit on the throne with her. That would be way too crowded, and would look quite silly. Padme' entered the room and stood near the queen.

" We've been worried about you, I'm so glad you're safe, Padme' . " The Queen said softly as she held Padme's hand.

" Thank you, Your Highness. I only wish I could have served you better by staying on Coruscant for the vote. "

" Coward ! " Sio Babble coughed, then apologised for the interruption.

" How many systems have joined Count Dooku and the separatists ? " The queen asked, she knew how many systems joined but she really just wanted to test her team.

" Dozens ! If the senate votes to push the army, it will only lead to civil war. " Padme' responded, a little too over dramatically as she started crying.

" Do you see any way..."

" Its unthinkable ! There hasn't been a full scale war since the formation of the fucking republic ! " Sio screamed.

" Please do not interrupt me again Sio, " The queen shot him a glare, " and we don't use that language in the throne room. Its just _The Republic_, not _The Fucking Republic_. "

" They don't have an army, but if they are provoked, they will use that army to defend the Republic. The...huh ? " Padme' scratched her head, her hair piece moved a little.

" Why has nothing..."

" It outrageous that, after all those hearings, four trials in the supreme court, interrogation sessions, torture, Nute Gunray is still the Viceroy of the Trade Federation. " Sio slammed his fist on the table again to make his point heard.

" Interrupt me again Sio, and I'll have you hanged. Please stop changing the subject as well. This conversation wasn't revolving around Nute Gunray. Just shut up please. " The Queen gave Sio an evil glare.

" There are rumours your highness. Rumours that I'd hate to bring up here but I will anyway. " Padme' held up a holopad showing the headline of the Galactic Enquirer with the headline reading - _Queen caught cheating on husband . _

" My dear, " The queen folded her hands, " that headline..."

" It's fucking inconceivable ! " Sio roared, but was quickly shot by one of the Queen's guards. He died quickly.

" In the meantime, we need to get your security figured out. " The queen said as she watched her men drag away Sio. Anakin stuck his chest out as far as he could, he started to turn red with the effort.

" What is your suggestion, master Jedi ? " The queen asked him after a few minutes.

" Oh, he's not a master yet, he's just a lowly ( holding laughter ) padewan learner. Anyway, I was thinking..." Padme' was quickly cut off by Anakin.

" Excuse me ? I'm in charge of security here M'lady. " Anakin said as he stuck his chest out a little, again.

" Excuse me , I know the area. So it would be best if you followed my advise and just shut up while I show you my leadership skills. " Padme' was turning a bit red. The others in the room gave each other a worried look.

" Excuse me ? " Anakin almost roared.

" Excuse you ! "

" Excuse me ? " Anakin roared this time.

" Anakin, take a deep breath. Then say your sorry. " Padme' rolled her eyes.

Anakin took a deep breath, half smiled and nodded his head. " Sorry, M'lady. "

The queen stood up and banged her knee under the table, " Christ ! " Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at her. She composed herself and told Padme' that she had better visit her family or she'd be under arrest.

* * *

**Padme's House, 32.5 Minutes later ...**

" There's my house ! " Padme' excitedly exclaimed as she sprinted forward, Anakin hesitated and gulped. Padme' stopped running and turned around. She gave Anakin a curious gaze.

" What ? Don't say your shy ? " Padme' smiled.

" Jedi ...don't ...get ...shy. " Anakin added monotone.

" We..." After much conversation, the author moved the scene quickly to the dinner scene, where Padme's older sister, her mom and others sat around the table.

" I hope you noobs are hungry. " Padme's hip mom asked them.

" A...little. " Anakin still had the monotone on.

" He's being an idiot mom, we're starving. " Padme grabbed a huge chicken leg and smurfed into it, she tore a big chunk off the side and gobbled the thing down. She had BBQ sauce all over her face.

" Are you in danger ? " Her mom pressed.

" No, I have this Jedi guy with me. " Padme' joked while she violently tore into the salad.

" Not only is she in danger, she's in peril. " Anakin said, seriously. Everyone started laughing loudly.

* * *

**Padme's Garden, well, not really her garden, her parents garden. Half owned by their neighbours, who agreed on a settlement that involved...never mind, it's a damn garden ! **

Anakin walked with one of Padme's sisters.

* * *

**Inside the kitchen ...Padme's House...**

" Listen you little shit, " Padme's mom started in on her, " what did I tell you about bringing home boys without first letting me KNOW ABOUT IT ! " She smashed a plate on the wall. Padme' cried and ran to her room.


	9. Really Awesome spoon chairs

**Attack of the Clones - A parody - **

**

* * *

**

_And there was Brown upside down Lappin'' up the whiskey on the floor. "Booze, booze!" The firemen cried As they came knockin' on the door (clap clap) Oh don't let 'em in till it's all drunk up And somebody shouted MacIntyre! MACINTYRE! And we all got blue-blind paralytic drunk When the Old Dun Cow caught fire. _

_~ Old Dun Cow _

_

* * *

_

_Chapter 9 - Really awesome spoon chairs -_

* * *

**Padme's messy bedroom that she had better clean up before her mother gets a hold of her and throws a boiling pot of coffee in her face…..**

Padme' quickly threw some items in her bag while Anakin slowly strolled around her bedroom, studying her life in Hologram pictures. He came across a holo-picture of an eight year old Padme', surrounded by a hundred small green aliens, she had one of the baby aliens cradled in her arms. She had a sweater on that had the words PADME stitched in red lettering on the front. A ticker tape scroll on the bottom rolled by with the message - _This is Padme' Abidala with a relief group in Shadda-Bi- Boran. _Anakin smirked as he picked up the picture, activating a sensor voice stating that he has just touched a picture of Padme' and to please leave it alone.

" Is this you ? " Anakin asked, foolishly.

" Yes, " Padme' looked at the picture quickly, " they needed to get off the planet because of their imploding sun. We took all of their possessions, readied the ships, and left the planet in time to avoid destruction. But, we forgot one fatal detail. "

" A study of the environment to make sure they would survive in a new setting. " Anakin stated, confident his answer was correct.

" No, " Padme' choked, " we forgot to board the aliens themselves. "

" No fuckin' way ! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ! " Anakin replaced the picture on the dresser while holding his side, there was just no possible way to contain his laughter, he tried to bite his lower lip as his laughing subsided a little, but his top lip flapped out from the forced air making him look like a horse.

" Thank you for the compassion. " Padme' said sardonically.

Anakin spied another hologram picture up on the wall. Padme' was standing next to two adult polititions. She was ten years old, dressed in legal robes. Her face a stone, emotionless wall.

" See the difference ? " Padme' smiled as she watched his expression.

" Yes, " Anakin said, his voice lowered, " you were a pretty chubby kid. "

Anakin continued his lap around Padme's room until he came across one final hologram picture, tacked up over her dresser mirror. It showed a teenage Padme' necking furiously with another boy her age. The boy was unbuttoning her shirt before the hologram restarted.

" Sheesh. One of your boyfriends ? " Anakin's face turned red.

" Oh, no silly. That was during the debate club finals. That was my opponent, Chaderick Von Brudayer. God I hated him." Padme' resumed packing.

" WTF ? " Anakin said to himself.

* * *

**SOMEWHERE IN SPACE….**

Obi-Wan exitted hyperspace with the help of a large hyperspace wheel attached to his ship. He released the wheel and it floated away, only to be later stolen by some teenage Kamino boys in a hot-rod.

" There it is Arfour, " Obi-Wan announced over his extra large headset, complete with a three foot antenna that stuck out the right side of it, " Kamino, right where it should be. Those files were altered."

Obi-Wan entered the extremely hostile atmosphere of Komino, rain covered his canopy and he activated the windshield wipers, he approached the wet landing pad of the facility that stood over the rough ocean. He eased the ship down and made a nearly perfect landing, but he killed an old Kamino man fishing.

" Yes Obi-Wan, " The JedI sarcastically mimicked Arfour, " I acknowledge you, the planet appears to be there. The files were altered as you have surmised. " Obi-Wan turned to his droid with a disappointed expression, "Arfour, you make for the most boring travel companion ever. "

Obi-Wan flipped his hood over his head and ran on the landing pad towards the building, it was raining even harder now. The door opened to a brilliant light as he entered. A tall, light blue shaded alien greeted the jedI as he entered.

" Master JedI, so good to see you." Taun We greeted him with a soothing voice. Obi-Wan flipped off his hood, rudely splashing Taun We in the face with droplets of rain, the alien slowly rubbed it's face. Obi-Wan realized he still had the ridiculous headset on and threw it to the floor, he whipped off his muddy boots and kicked them to the corner, splashing mud up on the wall.

" The Prime Minister is expecting you. " Taun We stretched her twenty seven foot long arm down the hall and offered Obi-Wan to follow her.

" We can't keep him waiting. " Obi-Wan tried to hide his surprise by lowering his eyebrows, but he couldn't control the emotions of his right eyebrow as it remained in a high arc, full of surprise.

* * *

**Many footstep sound effects later….. **

The large oval door swished open in the Prime Minister's office as Taun We and Obi-Wan strolled in like they owned the place.

" May I present Lama Su, Prime Minister, and this is….."

" Obi-Wan Kenobi ? " He nervously interrupted her as he quickly shot her a glance and raised a finger to his mouth in a _shh_ motion. He kept trying to control his eyebrows as they wiggled out of control now.

" Please, " Lama Su gestured to a huge, white spoon shaped chair, " have a seat in our new Chair 3000 XTS. The ultimate in sitting comfort."

" I'd rather stand, if you don't mind. " Obi-Wan couldn't control his eyes from gazing at the awesome chair. _This is a temptation, a test. I'd surely fall to the dark side if I sat there, its just too much comfort for one man. Way better than those extremely uncomfortable chairs in the Chancellor's office, I know why he does it, to keep the meetings short. What a dick he is. He could easily order a more cushioned, ass accommodating chair than those damn abominations in his office. I remember Yoda joking about using the force to reshape his ass back to a normal after sitting for more than ten minutes in the Chancellor's office. _Obi-Wan suddenly had an image of Yoda's naked ass. _What the hell is wrong with me ? _

" …..ust be anxious to inspect the units for yourself. " Lama Su was saying.

_What ? I was talking to him the whole time ? I better recover here and show him I'm paying attention. _

" Maybe I _will_ take a seat. " Obi-Wan couldn't stop himself from smiling wide as he ran over to the large spoon chair, the one Lama Su said was the Chair 3000 XTS, the ultimate in seating comfort.

Lame Su tilted his head as he watched Obi-Wan spin around in the chair. Lama Su, not Lame Su, sorry.

" Were you interested in inspecting the units ? " Lama Su said after awhile, watching Obi-Wan smile and pat the sides of the chair as he swayed in complete extasy.

" Oh, " Obi-Wan shuttered in complete comfort, " these will do just fine. You manufactured them here in this plant ? "

" Uh, yes. Yes we did. " Lama Su scratched the back of his head in confusion.

" How many units ? " Obi-Wan asked again, trying to compose himself. He tried a serious face and crossed his legs, but his leg slipped off of his knee and he let out a small, barely audible fart.

" Like I said before, two hundred thousand units. With a million more on the way. "

" That is fantastic ! But we'd only need about twenty really. A few for the Chancellor's office, a couple in the cafeteria and the JedI counsel room. " Obi-Wan enthusiastically waved his arms to make his point.

" Surely you mean twenty thousand. "

" No, twenty would just about do it. Twenty thousand chairs is a bit of an overkill. " Obi-wan smiled.

" Chairs. " Lama Su groaned and slapped his face in his palm.

" Not just chairs, The Chair 3000 XTS, the ultimate in seating comfort." Obi-wan leaned back and locked his fingers behind his head.

Lama Su uttered a curse and stormed out of the room.

Obi-Wan remained in his chair, or should I say, Chair 3000 XTS, the ultimate in seating comfort. _I can picture it now, I arrive in the docking bay at the Republic with a shipment of these chairs. I offload these suckers while all the JedI masters form a semi-circle around me, applauding. Mace Windu would run up to me, vigorously shake my hand while tears stream down his face. Yoda would hobble up and say , SAVE MY ASS, YOU DID. I'd be hailed as the hero of the Republic. They'd announce that it would be forever known as - Obi-Wan Day - A statue would be erected, depicting me as a god, surrounded by these really cool chairs. A movie would be made of my adventure, they'd call it - Kenobi saves the Republic, the incredible true story, starring Malcolm Mcdowell as Obi-Wan Kenobi. _

" ARE YOU GONNA COME AND LOOK AT THESE GODDAMN CLONE TROOPS OR WHAT ? " Lama Su screamed from just outside the office, startling Obi-Wan.

* * *

End of Chapter 9 - Leave a kind review !


	10. 10th Chapter Anniversary

**Star Wars - Attack of the Clones - A Parody - **

**

* * *

**

_AN - I drew a picture of this chapter, check it out. Nice eh ? Thanks. _

* * *

**Chapter 10 **- _10th__ Chapter Anniversary. _-

* * *

_Special chapter wrappings off. _

_

* * *

_

_Please place all chapter wrapping waste in trash compartments provided. _

* * *

_Please turn off all cell phones. _

_

* * *

_

_You two in the back, yes you. Shut the fuck up during the duration of the chapter. _

* * *

**A**nakin I'm not the chosen one already Skywalker and Padme' Abadalabadawhatever arrived near the Naboo Lake Retreat in a romantic boat speeder on a romantic late evening. They both walked up to a romantic balcony to a vast view of the Lake to the other side, the water sparkled, romantically.

" When I was in level three, we used to come here to smoke weed. See that island ? We used to swim there everyday. I love the water." Padme' looked down and ran a thumb over her own hand, using only one hand, she bent it backwards in a freaky angle, her thumb made a scrapping noise, her fingernail dirty. Scary music played briefly in the background.

Anakin squinted his eyes in concentration. _Say something incredibly romantic, you can do it man. _" I like water. " _Damn ! _

Padme could feel Anakin's eyes staring at the side of her head. " We used to lie in the sand and let the sun dry our nude, glistening bodies. We experimented…I mean, we used to try and guess the names of the birds singing."

" Tell her about the sand. " Mace Windu whispered from a nearby bush.

" I don't like sand. It's dirty." Anakin looked deeply into her big eyes.

" I _feel_ a little dirty." Padme' breathed.

" You want me, I can smell it. " Anakin leaned in and they kissed, but she quickly put a hand on his face and pushed him away hard. He fell on his back.

" No, " Padme' shook her head, " we shant, we mustn't, we…we shushn't "

Anakin stood up and blinked, " I'm sorry ? " Tears rolled down his cheeks.

* * *

_Meanwhile, back in the Cloning Facility on Geonosis…. _

There is miles and miles or barren ground, a small hillside with some unimportant shrubbery. A small rat-like creature scuttled away and fell down a deep hole, it screamed. A huge reptilian-type bird landed near the edge of the hole and made a loud laughing noise. All this is a damn waste of time already because there is no Cloning Facility on Geonosis.

* * *

_Meanwhile, back at the cloning Facility on Kamino Place Planet….. _

Obi-Wan , Taun We and Lama Su stood on the balcony, overlooking a large courtyard filled with thousands of troops dressed in white armor. They marched around in formation.

" Magnificent, aren't they ? " Lama Su asked, filled with pride as he stood just behind a gaping Obi-Wan.

Mace Windu walked on the balcony from Lama Su's office, " You kiddin' me man ? Those soldiers are slick, white and DYNOMITE !"

Obi-Wan slowly nodded, but his mind was miles away, still stuck on those awesome spoon chairs.

They next toured a huge classroom filled with nine year old kids that resembled each other.

" We take great pride in our military education and other shit. " Lama Su said as they walked by the students.

" You mentioned growth acceleration…." Obi-Wan stated with a trail off to allow Lama Su to fill in the gap.

" No I didn't. " Lama Su guided them past a cafeteria where older men who resembled each other, ate food.

" They are totally obedient. That means they follow orders without question. You there…" Lama Su called up one of the men, " sing something from Wham! "

The clone put one arm behind his back, and snapped his fingers with the other arm , opened his mouth and sang, " You got the jitterbug, got the jitterbug, got the jitterbug, got the jitterbug….."

Obi-Wan palmed his eyes, " Lama Su, what is this….? "

The clone swung his arm while he continued, " You put the boom-boom into my heart, you send my soul sky high when your lovin' starts, Jitterbug into my brain, goes a bang-bang-bang till my feet do the same But something's bugging you , Something ain't right, My best friend told me what you did last night, Left me sleepin' in my bed, I was dreaming, but I should have been with you instead. Wake me up before you go-go, Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo,Wake me up before you go-go, I don't want to miss it when you hit that high, Wake me up before you go-go,'Cause I'm not plannin' on going Han Solo,Wake me up before you go-go, Take me dancing tonight, I wanna hit that high ya ya !...

You take the grey skies…..

" Oh for the love of the force ! Stop ! Stop! Stop !" Obi-Wan yelled, covering his ears.

" That was whack. " Mace shook his bald head.

" Who was the original host ? " Obi-Wan asked as the singing clone sat back down. His friends sneered at him.

" Where is this bounty hunter now ? " Obi-Wan prodded further.

" Unaltered ? " Obi-Wan had a surprised look on his face as he swung around, but the tour had moved on, he was alone with Mace Windu.

" Why do you bother asking questions that you know the answer to ? Anyway, I'm taking off. Yoda keeps texting me, wondering where I am. " Mace turned to leave but Obi-Wan stopped him.

" Master Windu. "

" What is it Obi-Wan ? "

" Wake me up, before you go-go."

* * *

_In the peacefull hills of Naboo…. _

Padme' and Anakin strolled through the tall grass and flowers, she smiled as she ran her hands over the soft flower petals. An aggressive blood flower snatched her hand and started to chew. She screamed.

" I don't know…." Padme' smiled.

" Sure you do. You just don't want to tell me. " Anakin teased.

" Are you sure you…OOOF ! Sorry Master Windu. " Padme' apologized.

" It's alright, shouldn't been laying here."

" Are you sure you won't get mad ? " Padme' asked as she watched Anakin.

" JedI don't get mad." Anakin smiled.

" All right…I was twelve…."

" Whore ! Did you spread your filthy legs for everybody ? " Anakin screamed, red faced.

" You really don't like politicians, do you ? " Padme' nervously laughed.

_Enough of this boring conversation, you've got to make your move before she finds that guy she was with when she was twelve. _" Are you a parking ticket ? "

" What ? " Padme' blinked.

" You got fine written all over you. " Anakin sneered.

" Anakin, can we please be more…"

" Got me? I'll do your body good. " Anakin sneered again.

Padme' let out an exasperated huff and walked by him, he grabbed her buttock and said, " Pardon me, is this seat taken ? "

She slapped him in the face, he did a corkscrew in the air and landed on his stomach. He passed out.

* * *

_Back to the cloning facility …. _

Taun We and Obi-Wan stood in front of a closed door. The door stood there, not saying anything. Taun We knocked on the door, it then opened, a small clone boy with long hair answered. Taun We quickly grabbed him by the hair and pulled hard.

" Is your father here ? " Taun We screamed to Obi-Wan's open jawed amazement.

" Yeah. Father ! " The boy ran inside and they followed.

" Taun We's here ! " The boy called again and went into the kitchen area.

" Fuck ! " A gruff, annoyed voice pleasantly called out. Jango Fett walked into view from his super private side room, that had its own super private closet, that had a super private secret storage room inside, that had a ladder that went down…..

" Welcome back, Jango. Was your trip productive ? " Taun We asked.

" Bla ha ha ! You wouldn't believe what I did ! I went all the way to Coruscant for this old former JedI to kill this senator bitch right ? So I get there and I feel all lazy n' shit right ? So I hire this other loser to do my dirty work FOR me ! HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ! " Jango leaned on Taun We's shoulder as he laughed about the adventures in bounty hunting.

" This is JedI Obi-Wan Kenobi, he's here to check our progress. " Taun we did the introductions politely.

Jango Fett eyed Obi-Wan suspiciously and raised a scarred eye brow. Obi-Wan took a step closer to the bounty hunter and rubbed his beard in contimplation.

" Your clones are very…ever make your way into the interiors of Coruscant ? " Obi-Wan cut to the chase.

" Once or twice. " Jango stepped closer.

" Recently ? " Obi-Wan prodded, then took a half step.

" Possibly. " Jango stepped forward again, he could smell Obi-Wan's breath now as they stood inches apart.

" Inadvertently ? " Obi-Wan breathed and put an arm around Jango's shoulder.

" Indubiously. " Jango leaned forward and the two men embraced in a passionate kiss. Taun We shifted her stance as the smacking noises cut through the silence of the room, Jango dipped Obi-Wan low and continued to neck with the JedI. They let go after a short time.

Obi-Wan wiped his lips, " Thanks for your time, Jango. "

" Always a pleasure to meet a JedI. " Jango said with menace as his guests left the room. He turned to his son and told him to pack his things, they were leaving.

" Pack your things, we're leaving. " Jango said to the boy.

* * *

_Meanwhile….._

Dave mopped the floors of the JedI Temple, there were so many floors to mop. _Someday I'll move on from this job, someday they'll notice me. _He dumped the mop in the bucket to gather more soapy suds to it.

" A glass of water ? " Yoda asked from directly behind Dave.

" Oh, " Dave turned, half startled by the JedI Master, " No thanks."

" A good job, you are doing. " Yoda pointed to the gleaming floors.

" Thanks. " Dave shifted his stance, he was intimidated by the boss.

" A promotion, you deserve. " Yoda pointed his little claw finger at Dave, his big green ears wiggled for no apparent reason.

_Finally, I knew all my hard work would pay off ! _

" From now on, cleaning the shitters, you will be. "


	11. Chapter 11 chapter 10 part three

**Attack of the Clones - A Parody **

* * *

_Chapter 11 - Chapter 10 Part 3 - _

* * *

**Naboo secret lodge**

The Naboo sun has set in the horizon, the darkness has fallen over the land. Lets zoom our camera in on this little lodge with a orange flickering light coming from the window. Ow ! Open the damn window, you're breaking the camera ! Alright, whoa, check out these two sitting in front of the fireplace, awkward ! There's an energy just boiling between them now, look out ! Anakin's leaning in for a kiss !

" Anakin, no. " Padme' turned her face away, leaving the chosen one with his tongue sticking out.

" From the moment I met you, all those years ago, a day hasn't gone by that I haven't thought of you. And now that I'm with you, I'm in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. Can you not feel it too ? Can you feel the love tonight ? It is where we are, its enough for this wide-eyed wanderer, that we got this far. Can you feel the love tonight ? How its laid to rest , it's enough to make kings and vagabonds, believe the very best. "

" I can't, we can't, it's not possible. " Padme' walked over to the end of the fireplace in her tight leather bathing suit.

" Padme' listen…."

" No, you listen ! You take the good, you take the bad, you take em' both and there you have the facts of life, the facts of life. There's a time you got to go and show you're growin' now you know about the facts of life, the facts of life, the facts of life ! "

* * *

**Secret cloning facility **-

" Get out ! " Taun We pushed Obi-Wan out to the landing platform and closed the door quickly. Obi-Wan stood there in the pouring rain. He flipped up his cloak and ran to his ship. R-Four was sitting there in his socket, getting soaked.

" R-four, patch me through to the old folks home ! " Obi-Wan yelled over the pelting rain.

" Ya, ! No problem jerk ! I've only been out here for three hours in the rain. How about a little cover huh ? " R-four patched Obi-Wan through to the JedI Temple.

* * *

**JedI Temple **

Yoda and Mace were sitting around a wooden table in a smoky room. Their eyes were half closed, Mace took another long drag of his illegal death joint.

" Good, this shit is. " Yoda breathed out, taking the joint off of Mace.

Obi-Wan's holo image appeared in the middle of the table of discarded papers and deep green plant-like crumbs.

" I have successfully made contact with….."

Mace held up his hand as he coughed , " Hold on to that thought, Obi-Wan. "

" Busy, we are. " Yoda smiled, but it was too goofy looking to Mace, who smiled back.

" Giggle. " Mace tried as hard as he could from breaking out in hysterics.

" They are using a bounty hunter…"

" Young Wan. Important question, I must ask. " Yoda pointed his little claw at the holo image, a joint hanging out between his green fingers.

" Young Wan ! Ha ha ha ! Aw fuck ! Ha ha ha ha ! You gone done it now…." Mace slammed his fist on the table laughing.

" Croak ! " Yoda shook as he lost it too.

" You little green bitch ! " Mace screamed in laughter as Obi-Wan's hooded holo-image waited with his arms crossed.

" I have a strong feeling that this bounty hunter….." Obi-Wan tried to interject quickly but Yoda held up his little claw.

" Young Wan….." He started laughing again, as did Mace.

" Working on a very important problem, we are. " Yoda suddenly switched to a very serious face. Mace couldn't stop laughing in the background.

" Master Yoda, I don't have much time….."

" Contact the JedI Counsil you must ! " Yoda croaked loudly.

" Master Yoda ….."

" Do it ! Question me, you will not ! " Yoda slammed his walking stick on the side of the table. Obi-Wan nodded his head and the holo-image vanished from the middle of the table.

" W-w-what now. Ha ha ha ! What now man ? " Mace stood up from the table, giddy as hell.

" Quickly, go eat, we will, croak ! " Yoda scampered off followed by Mace.

Obi-Wan's holo image appeared in the middle of the table again. He let out an audible sigh and shook his head at the empty room.

* * *

**Anakin's Bedroom, at night. **

Anakin tossed and turned in his sleep. He shook his head quickly, left to right. He started moaning.

" No, mom. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No mom. No ! NOOOoooo ! No, no, no , no, no, no mom. NOOOooo ! " Anakin flew off of the bed and crashed over the night stand.

* * *

**Outside Balcony, next morning, winds coming in from the South East, Chances of rain Friday**.

Anakin stood near the balcony, his eyes closed. He was clearly in a meditation state. Padme' walked on to the balcony, quickly noticed Anakin, she mouthed a curse word and tried to sneak away.

" Don't go. You're presence is soothing. " Anakin said, not opening his eyes.

" I don't want to disturb you. " Padme nodded and tried to walk away again.

" I once saw Yoda bare naked, _that _was disturbing. " Anakin turned and opened his eyes, he wiggled his left eye brow for no apparent reason.

" You had another nightmare last night. " Padme said, slowly walking to the balcony rail.

_Try to play it cool man, impress her. _" Huh, " he ran a hand through his hair and lifted his collar, " JedI don't have nightmares, babe. "

" I heard you. " Padme looked away.

_NO ! She heard me _! " Hey, I had a really itchy knee, I was scratching it all night, that's probably why the bed was squeaking like that ! "

" No, you tit. I heard you having a nightmare. " Padme looked into his eyes.

" It was my mother. I saw her in HD. They're killing her, she's in pain. She having a painful time of it, killingly so. I have to help her Padme'. Padme' ? " Anakin looked around, Padme' was across the balcony on the other end, talking to some other guy.

* * *

**Han Solo's College Apartment, afternoon**.

Han plopped himself on the dirty couch in front of the holo vision 6000. He reached over and put a small disc in a gaming system. He picked up the remote and started pressing buttons. A skinny wookie walked in the room wearing a t-shirt with a beer advertisement on the front. The wookie sat next to Han.

" You want to join, Chewie ? " Han muttered, eyes half closed and sleepy.

" Wumph. " Chewbacca picked up a controller and joined in on the game.

" I'm setting a coarse for Coruscant. Punching in the coordinates here. Aw, this game is so unrealistic, these ultra bindings are all wrong. " Han complained.

" Woof. " Chewie responded.

" What do you mean, pirates ? " Han sat up a little straighter.

" Wah wah wah ! " Chewie shook his head.

" Drop that cargo ! We gotta get outta here ! Chewie, bring up tactical display ! Set rear deflector shields ! " Han was moving all around the couch in a panic. Chewbacca let out a loud roar.

" Don't worry, I got this ! Jumping to hyperspace, now. " Han moved a lever on the remote control. Chewbacca let out a loud bark.

" I know it didn't work, It's not my fault. " Han whined as Chewie started belting him on the arm.

The door to the bedroom opened, a nerdy teen staggered out.

" Hey, you guys wanna keep it down ? I got a biology test tomorrow morning. " Jabba the Hutt said, then slammed the door shut.

" I hear ya Chewie, " Han frowned as he returned to his game , " that guy really gets on my nerves sometimes."

* * *

_End of chap 11 _


	12. Chapter 12 Who is Watto ?

**- Attack of the Clones** - **A Parody -**

* * *

Chapter 12 – Who is Watto ?

* * *

_Tattooine - Day - Partly cloudy - _

The alien slave master Watto was irritated at his little mechanic bots, they were breaking very easily and he didn't have the skills to fix them. This irritation would waggle his blue green nose in front of his toothy mouth. He needed a good brushing as well; Colgate was needed inside his mouth. His breath made passing customers vomit. His wings had an old smell of unwashed alien funk. He had morning goo stuck to the corners of his eyes that was so thick it was starting to cut his flesh. What a son of a bitch that Watto is.

Twenty three and a half metric meters away, a slave droid stopped his old fashioned Tattoine cart that held mysterious guests inside. Let's take a look…..there they are. Anakin Skywalker and Padme' were the mysterious guests. Anakin has nodded off leaving a stylish string of drool firmly attached to his cloaked shoulder. A down dressed Padme' gave him a good nudge to wake him up. He shook his head, she smiled. He smiled. A sing along was about to begin but this is Star Wars, let's continue.

Anakin and Padme' walked towards Watto's mechanic shack, Mace Windu passed by in the background, unnoticed by everyone.

Watto continued to play around with wires under the small mechanic bot, it wasn't working very well. Anakin stepped in front of the stall with Padme' still at his side, even after all she's been through with this jerk; she's standing by her man. "Word up, Watto."

"Whatta you want?" The smelly alien bastard breathed out.

"I'm looking for…..uh… " Anakin bit his lower lip and gave Padme' a helpless look.

"Shmi. "

"I'm looking for Shmi Skywalker. " The Jedi said with an air of intimidation. He mentally ordered his eyebrows to tilt down, they didn't respond at first, but a quick wiggle soon fixed that.

Watto looked at his new customers for the first time; he seemed to recognise the man.

"Ani? Little Ani? Nah. " Watto refused to believe this tall Jedi was the little annoying blond kid from Phantom Menace.

Anakin picked up the little broken mechanic bot and played around with the wires on the bottom of it. _

* * *

Forty five minutes passed without a word from anyone as sweat dripped down Anakin's face.

"Fuck!" Anakin screamed in frustration as the mechanic bot kept shutting down dispute adjusting the wires.

"Anakin," Padme' put her hand on his shoulder to soothe him, "you don't have to prove who you are to this alien. "

"Shut up! It's not impossible! " Anakin romantically pushed Padme to the ground and then continued to work on the mechanic bot.

"It is you! " Watto flapped his smelly wings in excitement as he grew tired of watching this guy continue to break his merchandise.

"So you're a Jedi now. Ha! Perhaps you can help me kill some deadbeats who owe me a lot of money. "

"Golly! That sounds swell old pal! " Anakin lit his lightsaber and the two old pals ventured off to kill deadbeats who owed Watto a lot of money.

"Really? Really? I mean come on! Really Anakin? " Padme stood by the shop as the two old pals ran off down the street.

* * *

**3 Hours Later -**

Padme rolled her eyes as the two old pals came running back to the shop. Anakin had blood all over his brand new cloak.

"Ha ha haaaaa!" Anakin ha haaed full of boyish energy as Watto counted his money, " you shoulda been there babe, Watto was like _hey, you deadbeats owe me money_, and they were like , _sorry sirs, we don't know who you are, this is a church_, and I was like, _oh ya ? How about some lightsaber action? _Then I cut everyone in half. "

"Anakin, we're getting way sidetracked here. Obi-Wan is probably already tied up on Geonosis by now. "Padme urged the Jedi.

"Watto," Anakin reverted back to his intimidating gaze, "my mother. "

"I, uh I don't know. I sold her. " Watto muttered absentmindedly as he counted his money again.

"To who? "

"I don't know, ita wasa soooo long ago little Ani. Say, you're a Jedi Knight! I know a few deadbeats who owe-a me alotta money. Whattaya say? " Watto nudged Anakin with his elbow.

"Hell ya! " Anakin lit his lightsaber.

"Anakin! Your mother? " Padme growled.

"Oh ya! Roar! I want to know who you sold her to? "

"Letta me check my records. " Watto flew behind a curtain inside his store. He returned seconds later.

"I sold her to a water farmer named Lars. Would you believe he fed her and clothed her? Iya hear he even married her! "

"Wait a second," Anakin rubbed his eyes, "you sold her naked? "

"Yes little Ani. She hada really big boobs. Theya were round like this. " Watto made circle motions with his alien hands.

* * *

**Tattooine - 5 minutes later - **

Anakin and Padme slowly walked down the crowded streets leaving Watto's shop a few dozen yards behind them.

"So Padme," Anakin rubbed his chin, "what's our next move? "

"I'd say we track down that bounty hunter who tried to assassinate me. " Padme shook her head and rolled her eyes.

Anakin stopped walking, "That's it! If we can find him he just might know where my naked mother is! "

* * *

**Lar's house - Middle of Tattooine desert - Day - **

Anakin and Padme arrived at the crudely constructed water farm. Mid twenty year old man and woman were waiting at the entrance to the main house. They greeted the new people.

"I'm Owen, this is my wife uhhh, and it doesn't matter. Come meet my freaky dad. "

A man came out in a floating wheelchair, without the wheels. He was Lars. There was no body from chest down.

"I'm Lar's. Shmi was my wife. When I lost the lower half of my body I couldn't ride anymore, she was taken by the sand fellas by the way. I know this is a lot to digest right now, come inside and we'll sing some Tattooine classics like , _Sand on the water_ , _Womp Rat Boogie_ and _My mother is most likely dead. _"

And the gang did just that. They partied late into the night.

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED …


	13. Chapter 13 Great Urination Hole

**Attack of the Clones, A Parody **

* * *

Chapter 13, Great urination hole -

* * *

**A cloning facility not shown on any Jedi Star Maps, NIGHT ? **

Obi-Wan fixed the sleeve on his brown Jedi robe as he walked the long, boring, white hallway inside the cloning facility. Mace Windu's voice had long faded into the background noise of his overworked brain as he walked stride per stride next to him.

"Then I decided to force push myself out of the meditation room before Yoda could set up the Lego Blocks."

_What the hell is he talking about? Do I really want to hear the first thirty minutes of that story? Next thing I know he'll be telling me that terrible story about….._

"Did I ever tell you the time I saw a U.F.O in Coruscant?"

… _I can't bloody well believe he's about to rant on about that now. Rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant about every stupid thing that's ever happened in his stupid life. _

"You do realise I can tell what you're thinking Obi-Wan." Mace had stopped walking and now stood with his fists firmly dug into his hips. Obi-Wan rubbed his forehead and tried to avoid eye contact with the Jedi master.

"You're thinking, how_ bloody cool is this guy anyway? _Ha, ha! Sorry, I do a terrible Obi-Wan impression. " Mace laughed.

"It's not that bad." A red faced Obi-Wan mentally rolled his eyes.

"You need to work on your Obi-Wan. You need to add a little more accent."

_What in the flying fucks is he talking about? I AM Obi-Wan! _

* * *

**13 minutes later, nearly at the end of the long hallway…..**

Mace Windup left the scene leaving Obi-Wan alone with his thoughts. The Jedi Knight rested his elbows on a circular window sill and let out a long sigh.

"Siiiiiiigh!" Obi-Wan sighed.

"Shhhh." Taun We shushed the Jedi and pointed to the sign on the wall_**. NO LONG SIGHING.**_

Obi-Wan watched Taun We walk away, he then turned his attention to a landing pad far out from the facility. He squinted his eyes to get a better look. There was a strange Fire truck Ship parked there called _Slave 1._ He focussed inward with the force and enhanced his vision. He zoomed in on the ship. _There's that Bounty Hunter guy_, _with his ugly kid. I wonder if he has two credits for the pop machine. _

* * *

**5 minutes later… **

Jango Fett proceeded to drag Obi-Wan across the landing pad by his wrists; they were bound with cables while the bounty hunter flew around. _Man, this guy sure is tight with his money, he could've just said no. _

The Jedi and bounty hunter fought some more, until they took the fight into space…..

* * *

**Tattooine**

Anakin looked to the horizon as he stuffed the last bag on the back of the speeder bike. Padme walked out of the small dwelling, she was wearing a nightgown, see through. She touched Anakin's shoulder gently and gave him a knowing look. Anakin jumped on the bike without giving her one look. He sped off into the distance in mere seconds.

The boy who would be Vader zoomed through the vast, rocky landscapes of Tattooine. His speeder bike was going around 320 miles per hour, yet his hair barely moved and his black cloak merely fluttered briefly. He had a serious look on his face.

He stopped by a Jawa vehicle and asked the small creature where he could take a piss. The Jawa pointed to a great urination hole dug into the sand by warriors of the past. But his pee would be brief; he had his mom to save.

Anakin Skywalker found a great place to spy on the Sand People, high up on a cliff. He could see the creatures cooking things, talking, playing hockey? Sand People were secret about their love for hockey. The Jedi Knight knew he had to be quiet about his insurgence into the Sand People village. So instead of sneaking down the cliff and tip toeing his way inside the village he decided jumping down 150 feet to the ground was the best idea available. Lucky to not break both legs he finally found a hut that looked like it could hold prisoners. He cut a nice hole then kicked it in. When he walked inside the hut he saw his mother tied to a stick, she was in pain.

"Mother, you are safe? With me?" Anakin asked as he untied her. She fell on her face, breaking her nose.

"I surrender, no more. Ani? Ani, is that you?" The weak old woman sputtered out.

"Yes, mother. I've come to rescue you." Anakin fought to hold back the tears.

"Oh, Ani. You've grown. I love…."Anakin's mother died really fast and left her eyes open.

"I'm a Jedi now mom. Hey, when we get back to Lar's pad I can show you how I move stuff with the force. You wouldn't believe…" Anakin shook his mother but she fell limp to the floor. Anakin looked at his dead mother; he was in pain, great pain. He reached out and touched her face, then parted her lips and made her mouth the words he wanted her to say. After a while it started to sink in that she wasn't going to answer his questions he was asking her. His head dropped.

(Scary music)

He lifted his head; he had anger in his eyes.

* * *

_Meanwhile …. _

Larry People of the Sand People was sitting nearby the torture hut telling his best friend Jim People about his recent score on Wamp Rat Shooting. The conversation was a mix of moaning and yelling, but they understood each other. Jim People was about to tell his friend not to lose his head about his wife's cooking when Anakin appeared quickly and cut Larry's head off with his lightsaber.

* * *

_At the same time…._

Mace Windu walked into Yoda's mediation chamber with a Monopoly board game tucked under his arm. Yoda lifted his head and gave Windu a pained look.

"Pain, suffering, death I feel."

"Taco night at Palpatine's?" Mace asked as he set up the game.

"Young Skywalker is in terrible pain."

"Ya ya, same as last week. Anyway, you wanna be the top hat or the race car?" Mace hid the dog game piece in his fist; he really wanted to be the dog this time.

"The dog I will be, his luck he brings me." Yoda shuffled up next to the game and started counting his money; Windu always short changed him right off the bat.

"One hundred dollars I am missing, know of this you do?"

* * *

_Geonosis orbit….._

Obi-Wan's Jedi fighter exited hyperspace to a view of Geonosis, as well as a handy asteroid field just in front of it. He saw Jango Fett's Slave 1 ship fly right into the asteroid field.

"Hey R4," Obi-Wan pressed the display bringing up his astromech's program, "got any Compound W? I have a bad case of asteroids." R4 started beeping and telling the Jedi Knight how bad his joke was.

"I'm just trying to lighten….oh blast! He dropped some kind of bomb! Hold tight!"

_Inside Slave 1 ….. _

Jango Fett slapped his son's hand, "I TOLD you to stop pressing buttons! Do you know how much one of those mine's cost? OH MY GOD! There you go pressing it again! What are you stupid or something? "

_Obi-Wan's ship… _

Obi-Wan expertly maneuvered his craft around the jagged pieces of destroyed asteroids, barely avoiding the concussion wave of the bomb.

* * *

_Tattooine…. _

Anakin wrapped his dead mother in a blanket and used duct tape to hold it in place. He picked up his mother and walked towards his speeder bike. Slain Sand People littered the ground around him as he fumbled his mother and dropped her to the ground, she was pretty heavy.

* * *

_Lars Pad…. _

"Don't worry darling," Lars said softly as he fingered a stand of hair away from Padme's skin coloured face, "Anakin will never know of us, I promise."

Padme smiled sweetly, "you promise?"

"Cross my heart and hope to die."

Padme smiled again and then picked up Lars out of his chair and cradled his upper torso in her arms. They kissed.

"Smack!" The kiss said.


	14. Chapter 14 Not quite the final chapter

**Attack of the Clones - A Parody -**

* * *

_Chapter 14 - Not quite the final chapter -_

* * *

_After a brief battle in space, Jango Fett has reached the planet of Geonosis. Obi-Wan outsmarted Jango by parking his ship on an asteroid and hitting the emergency brake quickly so his ship stayed on the asteroid. He then flew down to the planet avoiding all the sensors , snuck into a big underground compound without getting spotted and he is now currently spying on a meeting in a large conference room._

" What are we going to do with Episode 3 ? " George Lucas sat at the head of the table with all the producers and special effects staff sitting on both sides, scribbling notes.

" I think we should just throw a bunch of special effects at it and write the script as we go. " A voice shot out. George nodded and was pleased.

Obi-Wan rubbed his beard, " Hmm, wrong meeting perhaps. " He turned and looked down into a different meeting room behind him. There was Count Dooku at the head of a large table, filled on both sides with evil aliens and robots.

" Now is the time my friends...friends...frie...fr...f " Dooku's voice boomed out, but the echo was terrible. " Could we possibly have picked a worse room for a conference room...roo...ro..r..r "

A really old fashioned looking robot adjusted knobs on his nipples and responded, " The Techno Union are at your disposal, count. "

" I am pleased to hear..." Count Dooku started, but he was cut off by some Techno music suddenly blaring through the conference room.

" Count, Count, C-C-C-Count. The Techno Union, T-T-Techno Union. Break it down ! Techno Union is on the case, at your disposal , in your face ! Techno Union, T-T-T-Techno Union ! "

" That will be quite enough ! " Dooku slammed his fist on the table.

* * *

**Tattooine , Lar's Pad - Day**

Lar's has floated out of his homestead in his chair, followed by all the others, they could hear the whine of Anakin's speeder approaching the hut. Even C3-PO made his way out. Anakin couldn't handle the speed brake and rolled the speeder bike in front of the hut, sending his dead mother flying fifty feet over by the water evaporator machines.

Later...

Padme' brought a tray of food into a shed where Anakin was trying to fix the completely wrecked speeder bike. It was just a big pile of twisted metal now. But he tinkered away, trying to smoothen out the gas tank, a distant look in his eyes.

" I brought you some almost edible food. Are you hungry ? " Padme' asked, putting the tray down on an even surface that supported the tray of food, if she had placed the tray of food on an uneven surface, the tray may have tipped over and spilled the food on the floor enraging Anakin who was secretly hungry, she just saved her life by correctly placing the tray of food down the right damn way !

" The shifter broke , " Anakin muttered, with the severed shifter in his hand, " life was so much easier when I was stealing things. Why did she have to die ? Why couldn't I save her ? Why did the shifter break ? "

" Some things you can't fix, " Padme responded gently, " you're not powerful at all Annie. "

" ARGH ! I should be ! Someday I'll float around and shoot lasers from my eyes ! " Anakin threw a wrench and it hit the wall, then rebounded and hit him in the mouth.

" Anakin, what's wrong ? " She asked him, concerned.

He dubbed the blood dribbling down the side of his mouth, " I...I threw it. It bounced off the wall...then it HIT ME ! "

Anakin looked at her with more of a dark look, " It hit me on the mouth ! I should've MOVED Padme' ! I should have moved OUT OF THE WAY ! "

" You can't move out of the way all the time. Sometimes you have to stand there and TAKE IT LIKE A MAN ! " Padme' tried to soothe his shattered nerves.

" No ! I'm better than this ! I'm a Jedi ! WAHHHH AHH WAHHH ! " Anakin belted out the crying.

* * *

**Lar's Hut - Next Morning -**

Everyone gathered around the pre-made gravestone of Anakin's mom that Lar's had made weeks ago. It was no secret that he didn't really care about her, what an asshole, seriously.

After a few seconds of soulless talking, it was time for Anakin to approach the gravestone. He took a few dramatic steps towards it, then fell to his knees defeated. He scooped up a handful of pure Tattooine sand.

" I wasn't strong enough to move out of the way mom. The wrench hit me right on the mouth. Look, I just picked up a piece of shit in the sand. Don't know what its from, it smells funny. Umm, what else ? Oh yah, someday I'm going to float around and shoot lasers from my eyes, I'll probably change my name too, like Master Masters. That would be so cool. " A tear rolled down his cheek and dropped to the sand, a flea was moving across the desert with his family, the tear drowned him.

R2-D2 rolled up and told them that Obi-Wan wanted them.

* * *

**Inside the Naboo Fighter Cockpit a few minutes after R2 told them about Obi-Wan's message**

Padme' and Anakin watched the holographic image of Obi-Wan.

" Anakin, my long range transmitter is not transmitting transiently, retransmit this transmission to the relay transmitter for transmission. "

" Ugh, always bossing me around. " Anakin muttered and pressed the button labeled - _**When Obi-Wan is in trouble -**_

* * *

**Inside the Jedi Holographic Chamber, Jedi Masters are lounging around the display for hours waiting for something to holograph, someone has finally sent a transmission.**

" The Trade Federation are moving droid armies around and it looks like bad things are starting to happen..."

" Wait...wait..." Obi-Wan held up a finger, then burped and continued , " I think I'm going to be captured here. " Obi-Wan has been captured.

Yoda rubbed his chin as the holographic display turned off , " Something more happening on Geonosis than what we think. "

" I don't agree. " Mace shot in then ate a yummy soda cracker.

" Trying to be difficult, you are. "


	15. Check these noobs out

Attack of the Clones - A Parody. - By Super_Tinfoil_Man part2 _

* * *

Chapter 15 - Check these Noobs out - _

* * *

THE INTERIOR OF THE GEONONIS FACTORY

Obi-Wan Kenobi floated in a special - Even Jedi Cant Escape - holding cell. His arms and legs were surrounded by a powerful force shield. The room was circular in shape, it was dark and gloomy. Dusty as well, I thought I spotted gravel and...oh shit ! Here comes the bad guy !

" Its a travesty, " Count Dooku announced as he strolled into the room, " an outrage ! I assure you I will complain to the courts to let you free ! "

" I hope this doesn't take too long, Real Housewives of Pakistan comes on at 8:30. " Obi Wan sneered.

Count Dooku nodded , " May I ask why a Jedi Knight is all the way out here on Geonosis...nosis...osis...sis...is...s...s...s...s ...nosis...osis..."

" Why pick a bad guy hideout with such a shitty echo ? It seems out of place as well, like it has a mind of its own. "

Count Dooku gave the Jedi Knight a backhand across the face, the slap made another echo that repeated mid echo.

" What was that for ? " Obi Wan cried, with tears running down his face.

" Its a cover ! " Dooku leaned in close in a scowl whisper, " they watch me very closely, I have to put on an act to make it look like I'm interrogating you ! "

" I don't bloody well believe you. " Obi Wan reared his head back then spit as hard as he could in Dooku`s face. The Jedi saliva knocked Dooku on his back. The really old bastard recovered then stood before Obi Wan with a desperate look on his face.

" Remember the Merchant War ? The Body Odor Conflict of Tattooine ? What were we ? "

Obi Wan`s eyes lit up suddenly , " Triple agents ! "

" Exactly ...xactly...actly...ctly...ly...ly...y...y...exact ly...ly...precisely...ly..."

* * *

LIGHTLY WATCHED GEONOSIS AIRSPACE - NABOO QUEEN FLAGSHIP.

Anakin bit his tongue as he maneuvered the chrome plated Padme machine over the rocky surface of Geonosis. Padme was barking orders at the poor guy while he tried to concentrate, Jesus, leave the guy alone.

" See those columns of steam over there, those are exhaust vents of some kind. "

Anakin rolled his eyes, who gives a shit ? We are trying to find a place to land, I don't need to hear about the history of the landscape, what the hell is wrong with her anyway ?

" You flew right by the columns of steam , " Padme bitched, " turn this thing around RIGHT NOW ! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG YOU ANYWAY ? "

Anakin`s lower lip quivered as he held in his cry, he landed the ship inside the column and they made their way outside to the landing platform that was designed for pilots who randomly decide to land in exhaust columns.

* * *

MEANWHILE- INSIDE JANGO FETTS SUPER DUPER SECURITY ROOM

Jango quickly turned off Three`s Company as a red light flashed over the monitor ,  
he changed the screen to show Anakin and Padme strolling through the Winged Monsters break room. " Hey 25-ZDQ-750, " Jango leaned back in his chair and got the Droidekas attention, it was busy doing a crossword puzzle at a table, " check these noobs out. Don't even know what a break room on Geonosis looks like. "

The Droideka turned and formed into a ball, it rolled 2 feet then undid its little legs again and watched Jango`s screen as Anakin slashed innocent winged creatures to death.

" Bleep, 267, horooo quiips! Horooo quiips, 812 ! Nett nett raco 63 ! " The Droideka commented with excitement.

Jango stared at the droid and scratched a scar on his cheek, " Oh ya, I forgot you stupid things make no fuckin sense. "

* * *

INSIDE THE DROID FACTORY -

Anakin and Padme are doing their best to avoid the machines making droids, but they don't last long because Jango Fett is awesome.

" Aha ! I caught you, no reversals, double stamped ! " Jango danced as he pointed his blaster at them.

* * *

MEANWHILE - BORING SHIT IS HAPPENING AT THE SENATE CHAMBER, LETS GO WATCH -

Mace Windu walked down to Yoda , who was sitting in a lawn chair with sunglasses on, trying to look cool. They watched the proceedings proceed. The crowds of senators and such were roaring at each other in multiple arguments, the strange horned alien Mas Ammarda ( or whatever his stupid name is ) floated down in his pod and demanded order.

Palpatine stood up and took a deep breath, " In the regrettable absence of Senator Am..."

" OH COME ON OLD MAN ! Speak up ! We cant hear you way up here ! " Somebody shouted from above.

Mas Dumbmada quickly stepped forward in front of Palpatine, " The floor doesn't recognise the Senator from Earth, all further rantings from him will be erased from the record ! " This caused an uproar of laughter from everyone, the senator from Earth ( Steven Seagal ) sat back down, embarrassed.

Mas Dumbmada started telling bad Steven Seagal jokes when Palpatine touched his shoulder, the horny alien stepped back. Palpatine cleared his throat and walked to the edge of the pod, " We were going to have Jar Jar Binks announce that emergency powers will be given to me, but I know how everyone hates that son of a bitch so much. " A 10 minute applause followed.

10 MINUTES LATER

" Grand armies at my disposal and all that jazz, " Palpatine rushed his speech, " o.k listen to this bullshit ok ? I`m playing NHL 13 with my club SITH FOREVER right ? So one of our teammates, who`s been bitching the entire game, decides to score on us in overtime ! So pissed ! And why cant these moronic fucking kids hit the green A button when they join drop in games ?! I mean Jesus H Christ ! What do they do ? Hey I think ill join this drop in game, now ill just go take a shit and a shower while people are waiting for me to hit ready ! Arg ! "

Yoda slowly turned to Mace , " What in the blue fuck is he talking about ? "

Mace shrugged , " Beats me, I aints no nothin bout no politics man. "


	16. This party is almost over

**Attack** of The Clones - A parody - By Super Tinfoil Man

* * *

Chapter 16 - This party is almost over - -

* * *

**GEONOSIS** - ENTRANCE TO GEONOSIS SQUARE GARDENS -

Anakin and Padme were thrown roughly in an alien, open roof horse chariot - like thing. Anakin quietly stared at Padme, she seemed afraid.

" Don't be afraid. "

Padme turned to the young Jedi, " I'm not afraid to die, I've been dieing a little bit each day since you came back into my life. "

Anakin immediately started crying, snot ran out of his nose and tears streamed down his cheeks, " I didn't know you were dieing ! What kind of disease is it ? Banthalaria ? Suckanitis ? The uncommon cold ? "

" No Anakin, " Padme mentally slapped her forehead, " what I'm trying to say is...wait a second...what the hell is Suckanitis ? "

" Just sucking bad at everything. "

" Anyway, what I've been trying to say is, I love you. " Padme looked deeply into Anakin`s sleep crusted eyes.

" Great ! We are about to face some unimaginable friggin death. NOW you tell me you love me after all the damn drooling I've done over you ! Argh ! "

" I truly , deeply love you and before we die I want you to know. " Padme inched closer to Anakin despite the heavy chains holding her back.

" What, " Anakin pouted, " what do you want me to know now ? "

Padme closed her eyes and perked her lips, she tilted her head slightly and leaned as close to Anakin as she could.

" Pfft, you probably say that to all the guys. I deeply love you stuff and such. I mean why wait..."

Padme grabbed Anakin`s lips with her teeth and pulled him closer. She kissed him as the cart rolled into Geonosis Square Gardens to tens of thousands of screaming winged monster fans. Some had Dooku jerseys on. They parted lips and took in their new surroundings, Anakin spotted a hockey player jump into the arena and do warm up laps around his zone, Padme spotted Obi-Wan tied to a pole.

" Hey guys ! " Obi-Wan shouted , " over here ! A couple of great spots open next to me ! "

" I truely, deeply love you and before we die I want you to know. " Padme said to Kenobi as they passed. Anakin shook his head in disgust.

All three were tied to a pole as the grand master of ceremonies announced the daily news and then today's execution main event. Three gates opened and deadly friggin creatures crawled out .

* * *

5 MINUTES LATER - EXACT SAME PLACE.

" I've got a bad feeling about this . " Anakin said as he eyed the creatures walking towards them.

" Anakin, " Obi-Wan stammered nervously, " uhhh, here's the plan. Ill start a conversation with the giant Acklay, while I have him distracted , you crawl up behind him on hands and knees, when the timing is right, I will push that beast right over you and he will fall down. "

" What about Padme ? " Anakin asked, not concerned enough.

" Pfft, fuck her. She`s got no chance young one. " Obi-Wan gave the Acklay a dirty look as it moved in faster.

Anakin looked at Padme, but she already escaped and was sitting in the crowds with a big bucket of popcorn, chatting up a storm with the winged creature next to her.

After several moments, lots of action happened.

* * *

GEONOSIS SQUARE GARDENS - DOOKUs SPECIAL PRESS BOX.

Down the hall from Count Dooku`s special press box, Mace Windu cracked his knuckles and stretched his back. He started more stretches and began to think of something clever to say.

" This party's over. " Mace nodded, he liked that line.

" Time for some slicing and dicing. " Mace nodded again, he liked that one too.

Mace flipped his Jedi Master Brown hood over his head and strolled down the hall to Dooku`s special press box. Mace lit his purple lightsaber and held it in front of one of Dooku`s aids.

" This alignment of illegal activity is unsuitable to the well being of the Jedi Council and the Republic which has stood for...ah shit ! This party is not going on, is it ? Holy fuck ! Did I ever fuck that up ! "

" Brave, but foolish my old friend. You are impossibly outnumbered." Dooku confidently stated while blowing on his knuckles and wiping it off on his brand new 15 piece suit.

" Oh ya ? " Mace smiled , opened mouthed as he directed everyone's view to the arena crowds.

They watched as one Jedi lit his blue lightsaber way across on the other side of the arena, it was a tiny speck of light from their view. No winged creatures in that section seemed to care.

Mace shook his head, " I said, OH YA ?! "

Another blue lightsaber lit up in the same section, barely visible.

" What now old man ? " Mace gave Dooku a challenging stare.

" You took two whole Jedi with you ? " Dooku tried his best not to laugh as he snapped his fingers. At that signal, a single Battle droid entered the arena but soon tripped over a rock and exploded on the ground.

Jango Fett was struggling with his arm equipment off to the side of the press box as the two force users tried to one up each other.

" Damn stupid arm apps. " Jango jabbed his arm as his flamethrower app continued to download. It was frozen at 25 percent complete.

He politely pushed Dooku aside as he pointed his arm at Mace, he then made his best flamethrower sound with his mouth.

" WOOSH ! " Jango yelled.

Mace flinched and jumped high into the air, he then whipped his robe off as he thought it was on fire. He landed on the arena floor completely naked.

" Shit, " Mace looked as his own nakedness, " I knew I forgot something ! "

Obi-Wan , Anakin, Padme and the two other Jedi joined Mace as they fought off dozens of battle droids. The hockey player blindsided Mace with an elbow , knocking him into the corner of the arena, the hockey player got a major penalty and was ejected from the game.

Jango jumped over the balcony, ready to fight Mace.

Jetpack app downloading -30 percent complete. -

Jango fell to his death. Mace walked over and cut Jango`s head off just to make sure he was dead.

" Really Mace ? " Padme yelled as she shot lasers at a few droids, " you know I saw that right ? "

" Yes he deserved to die and I hope he burns in hell ! " Mace roared back.

The two Jedi Mace took with him were quickly cut down by droid lasers, Mace shook his head at the noobs, he watched one of the battle droids tea bagging the fallen Jedi.

Up in Dooku`s super special press box, the old man lifted his hand. The battle droids lowered their weapons, all two of them that remained.

" Master Windu ! You are slightly better than your brother Mach Poodu. Remember him ? "

" Shut up Dooku ! I don`t want people to know about my brother ! " Mace yelled as he quickly eyed Obi-Wan.

" You don't want people to know of his failure at the Jedi spelling B . The same spelling B that the Jedi have won for 25 years straight before Poodu came along ? "

" The word caught him off guard ! " Mace yelled , his voice catching.

" Indeed, " Dooku smiled wide now, " most people have trouble spelling - it - "

" Come on man ! This is embarrassing ! "

" Not as embarrassing as the fact that he still got it wrong after he asked them to use it in a sentence. It was that loss that turned me to the dark side. Now, just reliving that moment makes me want to kill you and all the Jedi. " Dooku raised his hand and the two battle droids raised their blaster rifles at the Jedi again, ready to finish them off.

Everything seemed hopeless now...

* * *

" LOOOOOOOK ! " Padme screamed , red faced with slow motion drool flying out of her mouth.

Anakin whipped his head towards the crowd and saw a winged creature holding up a sign that read - HALF PRICE BANTHA WINGS TONIGHT AT 7 , ONLY AT WARRYS. - " I am SO THERE ! " Anakin screamed.

" No , not that Anakin, up in the sky. " Padme pointed.

A clone gunship angled down towards the arena , it was accelerating towards them at an alarming rate. The Jedi and Padme slowly starting moving out of the way, then started running...

The clone gunship crashed violently into the stands in a bright , fire ball explosion , burning all the winged creatures in that section.

Another gunship angled down with Master Yoda in the lead, the Jedi Master lifted his collar trying to look cool, " Surround the survivors, a perimeter create ! "

" With ONE gunship ? " A clonetrooper pilot protested.

" Just get them ! But cool you will make it look ! "

The gunship skimmed the surface of the arena , blasting everything in sight. The clonetroopers jumped out and fired grenades and blaster rifles in all directions, some did ninja rolls in the sand while firing lasers.

The gunship took off into the sky with the survivors on board. The two remaining battle droids watched it go. One of the droids lifted its blaster rifle and fired a laser bolt at the fleeing gunship.

" Good work. " His friend said.

" Roger, roger. "


	17. This Party is OVER

Attack of the Clones - A Parody - by Super Tinfoil Man

* * *

Chapter 17. THIS PARTY IS **OVER** -

* * *

The Clone gunship rocked as it entered the massive battle scene just outside the GEONOSIS Square Gardens , Mace was just about to sip his Tim Hortons coffee when the ship rocked again, he spilled burning hot coffee on his lip.

" Holy fuck pilot ! " Mace yelled, holding his lip, " who taught you how to motherfuckin drive a motherfuckin clone ship ? "

Yoda did a little croak laugh.

" Fuck are you laughin at Kermit ? " Mace growled .

" Nude, you still are. " Yoda croak laughed again.

The ship rocked again and nobody noticed Padme flying out of the side of the ship, she landed hard on a sandy hill and rolled down to the bottom.

" Drop us off here you will ! " Yoda commanded , " Mace and I need to talk about something . "

" When you say -talk - do you mean - smoke - ? And when you say - about - do you really mean - some - ? And when you say- something - do you really mean - weed - ? Eh " Mace elbowed and winked at the old, green Jedi master.

" Stupid, these kids are not. " Yoda glared at Mace.

Obi- Wan was busy rubbing his beard in wonder, " I hate when they talk in code. "

Anakin was busy rubbing his beard as well, " I hate when they talk in code. "

Obi-Wan slapped Anakin in the back of the head , " A Jedi never mocks or copies another Jedi, especially one that can really lay an ass kicking on you. Take that blasted fake beard off. "

The Clone Gunship landed and barely gave Yoda and Mace time to get off before taking off again, the bottom rail caught Yoda in the head, knocking him over. Obi-Wan and Anakin watched the battle in the distance as the ship gained altitude.

* * *

3 **MINUTES** LATER

The Clone Gunship caught up with Count Dooku flying along in a fast speeder bike. " DAMN, " Dooku yelled , " I knew this little bike was a bad idea ! " He waved his hand at the two, flying droid balls that were following him.

Anakin leaned in on the pilot, " Aim right above the fuel cells. "

" Shitty call my stupid as shit of a padewan, " Obi-Wan leaned in as well, " any shot from this gunship on that little bike would definitely destroy it. "

" Ya ?! But the area around the fuel cells would make a brighter explosion ! " Anakin whined.

" Who gives a Sith about bright explosions ? He will still die all the same, no matter how we hit him flying this ship ! "

" Why don't you just let me boss around the clones and go have a sip of tea or something old people do ? " Anakin growled.

" Why, you fuckin little ... " Obi- Wan grabbed Anakin by the back of the collar as the young Padewan quickly clasped Obi-Wan in a headlock.

The two droid orbs began firing on the clone gunship from behind, the pilot was having trouble maneuvering the ship as the two Jedi wrestled around right behind him, knocking his arms and legs around.

" Owww ! " Anakin yelled , " Uncle ! Uncle ! I submit ! What is that move ? "

The clone pilot eyed his console that bleeped warnings about hull integrity and fires that were breaking out.

" That move is what I call - grab Anakin by the nuts until he quits - move. " Obi- Wan bragged, out of breath and not noticing the ship falling apart all around him.

Anakin took in a big breath of black smoke and coughed , " Cough ! I don't like that , cough cough cough , move ! Cough ! "

" Cough , " Obi-Wan covered his mouth politely when he coughed , " it is, cough , cough, cough, cough , an effective move, cough, cough, gasp , gasp , cough , cough, cough, cough, when you, cough , have me in a , cough , headlock. "

They both walked off the ship calmly as it crashed just below a landing bay , the explosion was bright and pretty. Anakin bent down and tied his shoe. Obi -Wan started mouthing smart remarks to an invisible opponent as he swung his arms around.

" What are you doing master ? " Anakin asked as he finished tieing his Jedi shoes.

" It is a common Jedi practice to mouth off to your opponent while fighting him, for example , if Mace Windu suddenly turned to the dark side and we got into a fight, I would insult his beer belly while we fought, constantly complain how its getting in the bloody way of the fight. "

" Ohh, " Anakin nodded as he took in the lesson , " or if I fought you I'd say stuff like you underestimate my powers. "

" If you fought me , " Obi -Wan spit laughed , " I'd chop your shit up in one swipe. "

" I doubt it. " Anakin rolled his eyes, a little anger setting in.

" No, really. One arcing swipe, your shit...fucked up everywhere. " Obi-Wan bragged then made a swinging move with his arm to illustrate his point.

" You fail to understand that I've already far , far, far , faaaaar surpassed your old , extinct lightsaber skills. I would honestly have no trouble against your ancient ass.  
No joke. " Anakin gave the Jedi a challenging stare.

" Why, you fuckin little... " Obi- Wan grabbed Anakin in tight headlock and they wrestled their way closer to the interior on the landing bay.

* * *

" I'm afraid it is no joke mother, " Count Dooku held his cellphone in the crook of his neck as he was preparing his sail spaceship for flight, " a Clone SV Class Gunship, and I was in a mere speeder bike. Yes, it was fully functional. No, I haven't had time to check my prostate, I've been a tad busy starting a war. " Dooku heard rustling of garments behind him and rolled his eyes at the two Jedi wrestling around near the bay entrance. He hung up the phone and walked over to the two idiots, sorry, that was harsh, two bastards.

" Uh hum. " Dooku uh hummed , the two Jedi quickly stopped wrestling and stood up.

" Anakin, here's the plan, " Obi-Wan whispered as he kept his eyes on Dooku, " I will keep him distracted, while you crawl up behind him. I will push him and he will trip over you."

" Master, " Anakin rubbed his eyes in annoyance, he stopped rubbing Obi-Wans eyes and continued , " is that really the only plan you have in your little book ? "

Obi-Wan quickly shut his little black book of plans and tucked it away in his tunic.

" You're going to pay for all Jedi you killed today Dooku. " Anakin wiggled an eyebrow at Obi-Wan after his big threat.

Obi-Wan nodded then turned to Dooku , " The price is a slap with my brand new glove I made last week. Its made of Bantha hide. "

Obi-Wan took out his Bantha hide glove but it was too late, Anakin did a war cry and charged at Count Dooku. His efforts were rewarded by some awesome Sith lightning by Dooku. It sent Anakin into a wall, stunned and shocked.

Dooku sent a wave of Sith lighting at Obi-Wan, but the Jedi lit his lightsaber, absorbing the bolts. Count Dooku ignited his lightsaber and the two clashed in close, red on blue spinning around, with added sound effects.

" Master Kenobi , you disappoint me. Yoda holds you in such high regard. " Dooku poked as they clashed and slashed some more.

" Not really ! " Obi-Wan did a little spin move then continued the fight.

" The spin move Kenobi ? Didn't Mace once tell you that the spin move was the worst fucking move in the history of the Jedi Order ? It leaves you wide open for a slash attack. " Dooku quickly texted his mother as he easily blocked and parried Obi-Wans attacks with his other hand.

" I don't think so, Dooku ! " Obi-Wan said with confidence as he did the spin move again, this time Dooku quickly slashed his shoulder and thigh, dropping the Jedi to the floor.

Dooku raised his lightsaber to finish Obi-Wan, but it was blocked in the nic of time by Anakin`s lightsaber.

" Brave, but foolish young one. I'm just going to quickly cut your arm off. " Dooku was looking really bored now.

Anakin did his best to keep up with the older lightsaber expert. Anakin did some tongue sticking out moves but he didn't use any talking moves that Obi-Wan instructed him to.

Obi-Wan saw how much Anakin was failing, " Anakin, here ! " Kenobi threw his lightsaber at Anakin, but it hit him right in the eye, he yelled and rubbed it with one hand, holding his other arm straight out to the side for some reason.

Count Dooku slashed off Anakin`s arm and force pushed him to the floor next to his master.

" Lol. You guys really suck. " Dooku shook his head as he deactivated his lightsaber. " You were clearly hacking. " Obi-Wan said, half loud so Dooku wouldn't hear him and come over to finish the job.

" Ugh ! OOF ! Walking sure is a chore. " Yoda croaked as he hobbled to the bay entrance.

" Master Yoda. " Dooku sneered, cracking his knuckles.

" Forgive my old brain. Countess Asslaid I presume ? " Yoda tried.

" You have interfered with our plans for the last time. " Dooku raised his hand towards an office off to the side, a crumpled ball of paper flew out of the office and hit Yoda in the face.

" Powerful in the force you have become Count Dooku, the dark side of the force flows through you , like liquid shit after a long night of Taco Bell. " Yoda raised a spitball and empty pen cover with the force, he force spit the spitball on Dooku`s cheek.

" I have become more powerful than any Jedi, even Jedi Mike Holmes. " Dooku used the force to propel a wave of newspapers at Yoda, but the Jedi master ripped all the paper with the force then created a little Leaning Tower of Pisa in front of him.

" It is clear that this contest will not be decided with our knowledge of the force," Dooku reached into his cloak, " but with our skills at Monopoly. "

Yoda opened his cloak and called a little metal dog Monopoly piece to his hand...

* * *

+ +++++++ 3 HOURS LATER.

" There, owe me 5000 dollars rent, you do. " Yoda sat back, a smug look on his green face.

Dooku was chewing his nails, " How is that possible ? How did you get so many hotels on Boardwalk ? "

" Some secrets are left to remain secret. Fucking pay me now, you will. "

Dooku panicked and crushed a nearby pillar with the force, Yoda struggled to stop the pillar from flattening Anakin and Obi-Wan. Dooku used this time to make his escape.

* * *

+ +++++++++++++ JEDI TEMPLE - MUCH LATER

Obi-Wan , Mace and Yoda strolled around a conference room with a massive window showing the Coruscant horizon.

Obi-Wan spied an uncomfortable chair in the corner, there was only one chair left in the room. Nobody had to say anything, they all wanted to sit down. Obi-Wan walked in front of Mace to cut off his path to the chair , Yoda hobbled way too slow to even be a contender for the opportunity to rest his smelly old legs.

Obi-Wan did a little spin move and was about to sit down but Mace force pushed him to the other side of the room. Obi-Wandering ( left the auto correct in there, nice auto correct eh ? ) squealed on his face on the marble floor.

Mace took a long time to slowly sit down on the prized chair, " Ahhhh , good on my ass guys ! Fuck man, this shit feels GOOD. Fuck all this motherfuckin walkin around. And what did I tell you about the SPIN MOVE Obi-Wan ?! Stop doing that shit ! "

Obi-Wan lowered his head in shame, his cheek was turning red.

Yoda eyed both Jedi masters and nodded his head in amusement. He opened his cloak and took out a remote control. He pressed a green button on the remote and the wall opened, a beautiful, white spoon chair rolled out. Obi-wan and Mace had to shield their eyes from the bright glow of the best chair ever made.

Yoda hopped in the chair and let out a big sigh , " Victory you say ? Say it, you don't have to. "

* * *

NABOO LAKE RETREAT

Anakin and Padme stood in front of a Naboo priest. They smiled as they locked hands. Padme quickly took her hands back and gave Anakin a shocked look.

" Count Dooku cut my arm off, " Anakin flexed his robotic hand for everyone to see, some gasped , " but I thought you knew that Padme. "

" Ya, I knew that , " Padme gulped, " but what the fuck happened to the other arm ?"

" Oh, " Anakin held up his other robotic arm , " in the medical bay I accidentally took Obi-Wans ham sandwich. Since chopping off hands is all the Jedi rage now-a-days , well, he cut off my arm. "

" Oh, I thought it was like a tattoo addiction, except with robotics. " Padme laughed and was about to tell the priest to continue when Anakin disrobed, everyone screamed.

" You were right Padme, " Anakin teared up, " tell your sister, you were right. " He showed everyone his robotic legs and sternum.

* * *

PADME AMIDALA SLEEK SILVER SHIP - STILL IN EXHAUST VENT ENTRANCE

" Goodness R2 , " Threepio exclaimed as they watched columns of steam rise in front of the ship , " that steam came close that time."

R2 bleeped and blooped.

" No, I don't think they are coming back for us. "

* * *

THE **END**.

AN - I can't believe three years went by and only 17 chapters were posted here. Haha , man.

**CAST**

Obi-Wan Kenobi - Karl Pilkington.

Anakin Skywalker. - James Franco.

Padme Amidala - Margaret Cho

Mace Windu. - Samuel L Jackson...Jackson.

Samuel L. Jackson. - Mace Windu.

Senator Palpatine - Clint Eastwood

Captain Typho. - Will Smith.

Count Dooku - Donald Sutherland

Jango Fett - Jason Statham


End file.
